Life is hectic although this weekend has been quite nice. I am having the worst writers block right now. I find myself editing everything repeatedly. This pains me physically <dramatical O.o> It is the anxiety of holding onto tremendous anger and pain because you have no way to rid yourself of it. Staring at a blank screen is bad. I have to get it things out of my head and onto paper. Until I am able to write all that torments me, it festers and builds inside. There is no relief like getting past the blank screen or white page.
I find myself getting stressed about keeping my page up to date and make time to add more articles specific to the page. I just need more hours in the day. I am not ready for tomorrow being Monday! This week I hope to be able to spend more time on material just for SCR. I am always paranoid I am going to get boring. I don't want to lose attention because there is a message here that needs to be spread. This is why I need to revamp the page. More writing. More examples of strong, confident, and successful women. This is my baby, and I want it to rock. I just want other chicks to know, “hey I know what you're going through and we can do this together because we are all awesome on this crazy ass journey together!” God willing people will understand what I am trying to do instead of constantly pointing out the things I do wrong.
I have decided that I am going to get back on track this week with my cardio. I started back for a bit, and I did not see the results I was expecting. This just annoyed me to no end, and I dealt with it like I normally do by just avoiding it completely. I am scared of putting on any of the weight that I have lost. I want to just start at a cool 40 at least 3 times a week. I notice my back pain is way more intense when I do not stretch and work out my core. This makes simple things like Pilates and yoga pretty good for me because it strengthens my back without straining it further. I feel like I need to be dropping quicker and toning my body more because I am owner of this page. I need to lead by example not only for my children, but for the women who cheer me on daily. I am so motivated by the stories of the women who have lost over 100lbs, and they are still on their journeys. It is a matter of wanting it. I want it so bad. I am not going to be satisfied in other areas of my life unless I get control of my health which means dropping more weight. I know I will never be a tiny person unless I have gastric surgery, but I have no insurance. I do not have the type of money to spend on something like that with two small children. I could not consider it unless I had coverage. I hope to be making a larger income now that I have been freelancing longer. I am able to charge more, and I can submit more work with confidence because I am building my portfolio. I just want to be my own success story while becoming a better writer and earning a decent income to help my family. I think having goals is the only way to live. I have been in that place in life where I have zero goals. My goals were getting through the day. Hell I still have those fucking days, but they are few and far between now. I feel like because I have allowed myself to grow privately and spiritually I have found my path again. Now it is a matter of following it & not losing site of it again. I have to constantly remind myself not to empower those that want to hold me down by letting their venom bring me down. I will have the last laugh in the end because I know there is nothing I cannot achieve when I put my mind to it. I envision it, work to get closer to it daily, know the pain is part of the game, and have faith soon enough I will be able to say “remember back when we had to creatively hustle to fly?” Living the dream differently with more oomph. God willing people!