Damn You March!

Damn You March

Today will begin my month long journey. The next few weeks are always filled with mourning. This year is the 5th anniversary of my cousins tragic death. I try to keep Holy Candles lit daily in her honor. I also try to keep fresh flowers because she loved flowers. It is hard when I want to stay in bed under the covers and avoid this time of year. I keep hoping this year will be the year that it is not so sad, but I do not believe that day will ever come. I know this year will be tough because I finally know how she took her life. Ever since I found out, I have been discontent. The visuals are too much. I will never forgive myself for ignoring my intuition and deciding not to contact her a week before she took her life. We were arguing, and we had not spoken in various months. Our family breed stubborn women.

I feel my spirit begin to fade. Teresa was full of beauty and passion, and I am positive that even in her darkest hours in her broken mind her essence still came through. She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. There were very few in our family that understood her, but I did. We were like sisters. At times, we loved, fought, and laughed like normal family, but she to have her die during a fighting period is the most brutal guilt I have ever had to live with inside. I sat silently with my pride. I ignored my intuition which is something that I never do. In doing so I robbed myself and my family of her last years. I helped feed her isolation with my anger. My fear is that my silence fueled her emotions, but I was probably an after thought when she realized her actions worked.

When you are raised in a highly Catholic family, there is a great deal of guilt from religion that transfers into every portion of your life. It is impossible to live the righteous life that Catholicism teaches. We were both avid students of various religions. We both studied religions of the world and found beauty in them. She stuck with Catholicism loosely, and I left the Catholic Church after her death. When a Catholic person takes their own life, they are to be shunned because they did not live out God's plan. They are forever to be lost in purgatory for all of eternity as penance. My God does not punish the weak. I believe my cousin is finally at peace with God. I can feel her presence at times, and she always feels happy. She was in a really bad place emotionally during the month of March. Something happened toward the middle and end of the month to push her to the edge. I will forever wonder what or who it was because for her to die for love would be completely feasible.

xoxo
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