Is that light I see?

I have been too distracted lately to write anything interesting. The last couple of weeks have been quite hectic. With baseball season in full swing, we are constantly going to practices or games because both children are playing this year. It has been busy, but the games are great. They are at the perfect age, and it is not too competitive. My son's team is a bit more competitive than my daughters, but I am trying to get used to it. I love a good competition, but some parents display some questionable behavior when it comes to winning. They are children! All they are concerned about is hitting the ball, and the ice cream they get at the end of the game!

Still working on getting a good portfolio created in an effort to get some freelance work with different online magazines. Things are coming along great, but this month has just been hectic which devours my time to be creative and write. I just want to prove to myself (and some others lol) that I am good enough of a writer do be paid for it. If I can work and "live by my pen", I will be living a life long dream. I love computers and programming, but I love writing. I can combine the two, and my life would be awesome!

I am tired of sitting stagnant. I feel a shift in energy inside of me. Change is coming, and I can feel the intensity all around me. It will be good for me, and my family. I know that nothing painless is worth it. There will be moments that I will feel defeated, but I know how to keep my mind on the end result.

Being a more supportive spouse is hard for both of my husband and I especially during high stress situations. We are slowly but surely getting better at it. It is dangerous when we are not on the same level. I am the ultimate "moody bitch", and he accepts that more graciously than anyone I have ever met. I find it hard to believe that someone else exists who would be willing to be so patient and supportive. This is often when I start trying to figure out why the hell he is still with someone like me.

I am hot and cold twenty times in one day. My moodiness is exhausting. I know it is because it exhausts me! I am crazy and losing what is left of my sanity, and the man embraces me despite all of my transgressions. Now if I could only see myself through his eyes, I need to understand what it is he sees within me that makes him deal with my insane bullshit. He says he loves me all of me. The crazy, moody, angry, aggressive woman that is me. I just continue to figure out what I did in life to deserve him and endeavor to deserve my blessings.

In Repair & Evolving

It hurts, but there is a morbid beauty in the pain. I am riding the "coaster of life" and white knuckled holding on to survive. Today was better than yesterday. I still had my moments of tears. Random crying is not cool. My husband understands that I am in a hard spot right now emotionally. I always wonder, "what I am going to do when he finally breaks? when he finally decides he is tired of me?" My impulsiveness makes me fearful because it can lead to my demise. I guess it is a positive thing to realize that I am impulsive and acknowledge it. The impulsiveness that I deal with is a disease, and I do not realize how ridiculous my actions are until after all is said and done. I run on pure emotion and energy. These attributes combined with slight mania is dangerous, so I write for some type of sanity. I need to center my thoughts. When I cannot concentrate long enough to meditate and pray, I write because keeping all of it inside of me makes me physically ill. Life leaps out at you right after you bitch about stagnation. This is the point that I have arrived at in my life. I don't know if this is what is considered a "thirty-something crisis" or what. I just know that inside my mind, I am in a different place. At times, I am alone, and I am numb. There are other times that I am so happy that I forget reality. Self reflection is everything. Writing allows me to channel what I am dealing with. I am no one special. Just an ordinary woman who tends to second guess all of her moves. I love passionately without reservation. I fight with all my strength, power, and determination. My life has never been dull, and I do not expect it to suddenly become that way at this point in my life. I just hope I follow the right path and live without regret.

Dazed & Confused

I have so many things floating through my head. When I am in distress, my writing falls behind. I tend to hold it inside of me for fear that I will hurt someone. I am torturing myself with my thoughts. It builds up so much that I have to write it out or else I know I will lose what is left of my clear mind. All we do is fight. Regardless of the topic there is always an argument. Our differences have never bothered me because someone like me needs someone else to level them out. To help keep me on the right path, but I feel alone, unwanted, and bothersome. At my lowest, I feel completely ignored. Insignificant in my own relationship, and I do not know how to deal with all of these issues. I am scared we might not make it like our parents have for so many years. There is just so much going on in our lives right now. I feel like I need to be working a full-time job, so I am not supported by one person. I need independence in my life, and I feel completely dependent right now. My children are the most important in my life. All I do is for them, but if I am unhappy, I am nothing but another problem. I do not want to be that women who failed as a mother. I cannot live up to the expectations set upon me. I am trying my best, but I fuck it up like the rest. For once, I want to feel true happiness for longer than a fleeting moment. I fear dying unhappy and never truly fulfilled. Buried with regrets that will haunt me in the after. Who will catch me when I fall? Will anyone aside from my children care? My heart is weighed down from the pain. Attention starved, I run to what I crave, and he sits not realizing inside I am contemplating being gone.