Dazed & Confused

I have so many things floating through my head. When I am in distress, my writing falls behind. I tend to hold it inside of me for fear that I will hurt someone. I am torturing myself with my thoughts. It builds up so much that I have to write it out or else I know I will lose what is left of my clear mind. All we do is fight. Regardless of the topic there is always an argument. Our differences have never bothered me because someone like me needs someone else to level them out. To help keep me on the right path, but I feel alone, unwanted, and bothersome. At my lowest, I feel completely ignored. Insignificant in my own relationship, and I do not know how to deal with all of these issues. I am scared we might not make it like our parents have for so many years. There is just so much going on in our lives right now. I feel like I need to be working a full-time job, so I am not supported by one person. I need independence in my life, and I feel completely dependent right now. My children are the most important in my life. All I do is for them, but if I am unhappy, I am nothing but another problem. I do not want to be that women who failed as a mother. I cannot live up to the expectations set upon me. I am trying my best, but I fuck it up like the rest. For once, I want to feel true happiness for longer than a fleeting moment. I fear dying unhappy and never truly fulfilled. Buried with regrets that will haunt me in the after. Who will catch me when I fall? Will anyone aside from my children care? My heart is weighed down from the pain. Attention starved, I run to what I crave, and he sits not realizing inside I am contemplating being gone.