In Repair & Evolving

It hurts, but there is a morbid beauty in the pain. I am riding the "coaster of life" and white knuckled holding on to survive. Today was better than yesterday. I still had my moments of tears. Random crying is not cool. My husband understands that I am in a hard spot right now emotionally. I always wonder, "what I am going to do when he finally breaks? when he finally decides he is tired of me?" My impulsiveness makes me fearful because it can lead to my demise. I guess it is a positive thing to realize that I am impulsive and acknowledge it. The impulsiveness that I deal with is a disease, and I do not realize how ridiculous my actions are until after all is said and done. I run on pure emotion and energy. These attributes combined with slight mania is dangerous, so I write for some type of sanity. I need to center my thoughts. When I cannot concentrate long enough to meditate and pray, I write because keeping all of it inside of me makes me physically ill. Life leaps out at you right after you bitch about stagnation. This is the point that I have arrived at in my life. I don't know if this is what is considered a "thirty-something crisis" or what. I just know that inside my mind, I am in a different place. At times, I am alone, and I am numb. There are other times that I am so happy that I forget reality. Self reflection is everything. Writing allows me to channel what I am dealing with. I am no one special. Just an ordinary woman who tends to second guess all of her moves. I love passionately without reservation. I fight with all my strength, power, and determination. My life has never been dull, and I do not expect it to suddenly become that way at this point in my life. I just hope I follow the right path and live without regret.