Hectic!

Life is hectic although this weekend has been quite nice. I am having the worst writers block right now. I find myself editing everything repeatedly. This pains me physically <dramatical O.o> It is the anxiety of holding onto tremendous anger and pain because you have no way to rid yourself of it. Staring at a blank screen is bad. I have to get it things out of my head and onto paper. Until I am able to write all that torments me, it festers and builds inside. There is no relief like getting past the blank screen or white page.

I find myself getting stressed about keeping my page up to date and make time to add more articles specific to the page. I just need more hours in the day. I am not ready for tomorrow being Monday! This week I hope to be able to spend more time on material just for SCR. I am always paranoid I am going to get boring. I don't want to lose attention because there is a message here that needs to be spread. This is why I need to revamp the page. More writing. More examples of strong, confident, and successful women. This is my baby, and I want it to rock. I just want other chicks to know, “hey I know what you're going through and we can do this together because we are all awesome on this crazy ass journey together!” God willing people will understand what I am trying to do instead of constantly pointing out the things I do wrong.

I have decided that I am going to get back on track this week with my cardio. I started back for a bit, and I did not see the results I was expecting. This just annoyed me to no end, and I dealt with it like I normally do by just avoiding it completely. I am scared of putting on any of the weight that I have lost. I want to just start at a cool 40 at least 3 times a week. I notice my back pain is way more intense when I do not stretch and work out my core. This makes simple things like Pilates and yoga pretty good for me because it strengthens my back without straining it further. I feel like I need to be dropping quicker and toning my body more because I am owner of this page. I need to lead by example not only for my children, but for the women who cheer me on daily. I am so motivated by the stories of the women who have lost over 100lbs, and they are still on their journeys. It is a matter of wanting it. I want it so bad. I am not going to be satisfied in other areas of my life unless I get control of my health which means dropping more weight. I know I will never be a tiny person unless I have gastric surgery, but I have no insurance. I do not have the type of money to spend on something like that with two small children. I could not consider it unless I had coverage. I hope to be making a larger income now that I have been freelancing longer. I am able to charge more, and I can submit more work with confidence because I am building my portfolio. I just want to be my own success story while becoming a better writer and earning a decent income to help my family. I think having goals is the only way to live. I have been in that place in life where I have zero goals. My goals were getting through the day. Hell I still have those fucking days, but they are few and far between now. I feel like because I have allowed myself to grow privately and spiritually I have found my path again. Now it is a matter of following it & not losing site of it again. I have to constantly remind myself not to empower those that want to hold me down by letting their venom bring me down. I will have the last laugh in the end because I know there is nothing I cannot achieve when I put my mind to it. I envision it, work to get closer to it daily, know the pain is part of the game, and have faith soon enough I will be able to say “remember back when we had to creatively hustle to fly?” Living the dream differently with more oomph. God willing people!

New Article for Examiner

Check out my new article for examiner.com regarding Jennifer Livingston.

http://www.examiner.com/article/jennifer-livingston-is-amazing?cid=db_articles

Oh my sexy curves!

I've been so busy with school, work, and family that I have not had enough time to just sit down and write unedited. For me this process is a form of therapy. I have the ability to unload all that is filling my head and creating anxiety by venting. Keeping all my worries inside of my head drains me emotionally. Must write it all down before it escapes me. 

Since I have started my page "Sexy Curves Required" on Facebook, I have had the opportunity to "meet" many different women and hear their stories about living life as a plus size girl in a skinny girl world. I have been able to tell my story in hopes of helping other women learn to accept their body as it is while on the road to healthier living. Admitting you are an unhealthy size is one step that is celebrated because a person is admitting they need to lead a healthier lifestyle. Once the person has reached their weight or size goal. It is celebrated with even more praise for having the strength to meet your goal. What about those of us that have lost weight, but we are still on our journey losing weight?

I have dropped 75 pounds in a year. This is a great deal of weight, but I still  have more to lose. I have no intention of dropping under a size 14 which is still a plus size. Most people do not understand why I would stop losing when I am still considered a plus size. I have no desire to be a tiny woman. I love full curves because they are womanly. It is not about what size society thinks I should be. It is about what size I want to be, and the happiness I find getting there. I feel ten times more confident now that I have taken a good deal of weight off of my small frame. People who don't know me would assume at first site that I am a woman who needs to lose weight. What they don't realize is that I am in the process of losing. Just because I have not reached my goal weight or size doesn't mean I have can't have self esteem until that number is exact perfection. I find celebrating the work that I have done so far to be incredibly fulfilling, and I want other women to feel the same way. 

Starting Sexy Curves Required has been an amazing experience. I receive emails daily from women who thank me for sharing my story publicly because they can identify with me. Reading the heartfelt thanks from a person who simply reads what I write is one of the best feelings in the whole world. I am grateful in so many ways. I feel like there is something bigger than me at play here, and I am bracing myself because I am down for this ride!!! I have a big voice. Knowing I am using it for good is indescribable. 

Jumping out of the chubby closet is empowering. I am fully aware that I need to lose more weight. I just refuse to wait dress fabulous until a "magic number" appears on a scale or clothing tag. I forced myself to channel my inner fashionista who had been lost for a very long time. I can feel happiness instead of dread when I go to buy clothes. I make more of an effort to show the best of myself for no one other than myself. If I am truly content and happy with myself, I can be content and happy in all areas of my life. I have always been someone who achieves goals just to prove that I can do it. The only area in my life that I have had the most trouble with is my weight. Surrounding myself with other women who face the same challenges inspires and motivates me to continue to work hard. I don't want my weight to define me. Having over 5000 people to cheer me on and support me as I support them is fucking awesome!

Besos!

Drea

What You Can Do Instead Of Loving Someone You Can’t Be With | Thought Catalog

What You Can Do Instead Of Loving Someone You Can’t Be With | Thought Catalog

Our Love

Remember the when our eyes first met? A wicked smile across your face as we shook hands and exchanged smiles. Your eyes have always seen straight through me. I still feel transparent with you. No games. Just blatant truth. The underlying sexual tension poured forward as our energy mixed on a cool Texas night. The moment our lips touched was perfection. The intensity was all consuming. Deep long full kisses. Body to body, but I still cannot seem to get close enough to your love. I hold onto you tightly... scared to let go. Unable to imagine my life without you The thought so unbearable I feel physical pain. Our love is by no means simple, but it is only ours. The years have passed. Our lives have changed, but our love has and always will be constant and unconditional. Still fully capable of getting lost in your eyes. Forever transparent. Forever ours. 

A.L. Rives

Father's Day

Father's Day

We go through different points in our lives when we are closer to one parent. I was definitely a “Daddy's Girl”, and I did not try to hide it either. My daddy would do anything in his power to make sure our family was/is taken care of and happy. With the stress of having 4 of the sexiest children alive (lol), I have no idea how he was never phased. In my eyes, my father grew up always getting the 'shitty end of the stick', but he never complained. He worked hard for everything he ever achieved in life because he sure the hell did not get one single thing handed to him. He is one of 8 children born in Mexico. He came to Texas as a teen to work and send money to his family back in Mexico. He learned how to speak, read, and write English on his own. When he was in his early 20's he met my mother Eloise, (God bless his poor innocent soul lmfao) who hooked him like a bass! Eventually they would create ME ME ME! I am to be known as the Eldest & Most Modest Carrillo! =D Three males followed me. From that moment on, he changed his entire life just for our family. I always knew we all had the safety my father provides. We are all adults now, and we respect both of our parents equally. We realize we were blessed with the privilege of the love of both parents.

As the only daughter, he was the first man in my life to love me unconditionally, and I made it (and still do make it) very hard to love me at times. I knew I wanted to marry a man that was as hard working as my father. Who would love my daughter the way I was always loved. I remember hitting 25 and thinking, “okay this is going to be me alone, and I can do this!” I had no idea in a few years I would meet the man who the world intended for me to meet. With a nudge from my brother, I jumped into the only relationship in my life that ever felt familiar... like home.    

Daniel Rives! He loved me before I knew what love really meant. He held me up as a friend in my darkest times. He gave me faith that the world did have truly good people in it. When we first met, I knew the very moment I looked into his eyes and shook his hand, this is someone I am supposed to meet. I did not know in which way he would add to my life. I just knew he would be there in some way. Now I realize it was my twisted soul caught in a haze, a delayed reaction of sorts. When my heart was healed from all the chaos I had put it through, I realized love was literally right in front of my face.

I have been blessed with a beautiful man who loves me. He blessed me with two children Ethan & Carys. I could not have asked for a better man. It was as if the universe and God took notes for me each time I prayed for someone to love because Dan has been the answer to all the love and happiness I have experienced over the last 11 years. 

Watching Dan with my children is beautiful. He is the exact type of man who my children deserve. Like my father, Dan will do anything to make sure our family is happy and healthy. He works so incredibly hard non-stop at times. I still pray giving thanks for all the blessings that I have been bestowed. A great father. A great husband & father. It makes my life feel less chaotic in a world that never stops working. My daughter and husband have the cutest relationship. I cannot even begin to verbalize the beauty that is their relationship. Whoever Carys chooses to marry will have a hell of a check list to pass. Ethan has big shoes to fill too! He will do so with pride as he does now. 

Happy Father's Day to my Daddy Roberto Carrillo and my husband Daniel Rives!!!

With Love,

Andrea

starring into the eyes of a stranger: Seriously wow this is a lot to take in

starring into the eyes of a stranger: Seriously wow this is a lot to take in: Lithium Carb 300 mg three times a day. My new diet. On may 16 I was given these pills in conjunction with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I...

Happy Mother's Day!

Hi everyone! Hope you are all doing well! I just posted a new article on www.examiner.com

Here is the link! I hope you like what you read. Thanks again for all of your support!

http://www.examiner.com/slideshow/happy-mother-s-day-5

xoxo
Drea

Something's missing

The last few weeks have been super busy. Between my husbands busy work schedule to making sure I am available for school activities for both kids, my schedule has been a bit chaotic. Freelance writing is going great. I enjoy what I am working on right now. It leaves even less time to just blog and get all that crazy energy that is bunched up causing stress to leave my body.

I cannot seem to find time to be able to concentrate like I need to in order to write. When I am alone, I try to get writing done, but times goes so fast. I do not get as much as I need to do accomplished. This just infuriates me even further. There seems to be zero release of negativity, and it is bringing me down. As soon as I sit to write, the entire family comes into my room because they want to talk. I know I am supposed to be all happy and “i love that part of my day” I do for the most part. I just cannot handle being unable to be free of company to vent and bitch and moan which just makes things even more difficult. No one seems to understand. I get told that I am cold and distant when I request time alone. I get the guilt from the kids that I don't love them because I need “alone time”. I could sit here and cry about all the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis for hours. I just need time to myself to be able to function as I normally do on any other day. If I do not release the anger on paper, I am inevitably going to explode.

I ask for time, and I feel like an asshole because I need to write. I get so frustrated I cannot put my feelings into words, and I start to rage. If I were them, I would just let me write it out to avoid the drama. I wish I could zone them out, so I don't have to banish them from my room. My concentration lately has been completely fucked. I find it very hard to write when I have an audience, and I lose my thoughts quickly. I feel myself turning into a monster, but I have no idea what to do to calm myself without making everyone around me feel my frustration. I do not like being a moody person.

I love my family. I know that I am a very blessed person. My thoughts and emotions get to me, and I feel myself getting low. I was racing with mania for the last 3 weeks. I am finally starting to feel some normalcy, and I am pulled down again. I want to isolate myself. I want to stay in my bed. Sleep is sweet relief because at least for that amount of time my worries are gone. I am riding the bipolar coaster again. I just try to keep myself busy, but I end up sitting alone in deep thought going over all the things I have failed to do. I need a break from all these feelings and thoughts.

All I know is that something is missing inside of me.

Bipolar Disorder & Addiction

Hi everyone! Head on over to www.examiner.com and check out my newest article published discussing bipolar disorder and addiction!

http://www.examiner.com/article/bipolar-disorder-and-addiction

Thanks again for all of your support!
xoxo
Drea

Jimmy Fallon - Slow Jam The News with Barack Obama: Late Night with Jimm...

RIP Teresa Te Amo

Alone for a moment before I have to be super mom. I feel my energy shifting. My heart is aching. When you are in the “Bipolar Club”, it is not a huge surprise that my emotions get the best of me. I normally know what triggers what I am feeling at this moment. I feel my anxiety rising, and I run to the comfort of my bedroom to write it out. I have to get these feelings down on paper and out of my body & mind. As I open the file to start writing, it occurs to me all at once. Tomorrow is my cousin's birthday. Six years since a broken heart took her away from me. I celebrate her death date because I consider it a huge day. It is the day my life changed, and it is the day she finally found the peace and love she desperately needed. My soul will always be unsettled until I somehow find the strength to let go of this pain and guilt.

I keep going back to the last time I felt her arms and smelled her perfume. I miss her emails and the sound of her laugh. I miss her face, and the smart ass remarks that she would give me. I miss my soul sister. She was the only cousin I had/have who could truly understand me and my craziness because we were both totally flawed in all the same ways. We evened each other out. She was the one female that I always compared myself to because for me she embodied all that I ever loved. I wanted to be a version of her my whole life. The older cousin who influenced my life the most. Family functions are never the same. At least when she was alive and did get the chance to come to the states to visit, it was Teresa and I against the rest of the family (aside from my parents and brothers lol). We were not the real crazy ones. Everyone else was fucked! We were the bad ass bitches in the bunch.

If I could go back 6 years and talk to my younger self, I would grab myself by the shoulders and said, “listen bitch! That feeling of dread and uncontrollable sadness is from your cousin! She needs you! Don't ignore your intuition Andrea! Call her, and remind her you love her. Swallow your damn pride before you lose her.”

If I could talk to her again, I would tell her, “T I need you to keep me sane when I'm going crazy because life is too much. Please don't leave me! You don't understand how broken I would be without you there supporting me. I can't imagine the hell I would live with knowing you died because I did not support you like I always said I would. I'm so sorry I turned my back on you when I got married. I'm so fucking sorry I let go of you instead of holding you close to me. I need you more than you know! Forgive me and the pride that has kept me from telling you I love you prima with all that is inside of me!

A part of me died 6 years and 1 month ago. As soon as I heard the words from my dad that you had died. When I fell to the floor, I felt her energy surround me as I screamed “I'm so sorry T! Please God tell her I'm so sorry!!! I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to push her away. She will never know this now!!!” If it were not for my husband and children, I don't know that I would have survived this loss.

I am still incapable of forgiving myself, but I am getting there as time passes. I will never be the same person who I was before she left. It is okay. I have been blessed, and I know she has helped me out from heaven. I just wish I could look into her eyes and hold on to her just one more time.

Happy Birthday T!

Xoxo

Andrea

My latest article on examiner.com

Hey you guys check out my new article for www.examiner.com

http://www.examiner.com/article/please-excuse-my-mania

xoxo
D

Cover The Night Mission #3: Message World Leaders

I have my Kony 2012 bracelet on my left arm. I have my facebook cover changed. I also have files of the posters to be hung This Friday April 20, 2012!!!


COVER THE NIGHT! FIGHT THE LRA! 


xoxo
Drea

truth

Surrounded by love

yet I am incapable of feeling

Cold and lost

I need help.

I hate the miserable person I have become

Alone

I isolate in my dark room

Not leaving this bed again for I have lost the will

Going through the motions

Physically present

Emotionally vacant

I am a hate filled bitch

Bitter and jaded

I fail and disappoint everyone

They will never understand my demons

I will be hated for my horrible ways

I am prepared for the wrath

Come take me

I don't want to be here anymore

I'm diving downward head first

I can't give two fucks anymore

This mania is too much

Evil is running through my veins

I embrace it

"Say You'll Haunt Me" - Official Video

Check out my article on Examiner.com regarding Trayvon Martin

http://www.examiner.com/wellness-in-houston/can-there-be-justice-for-trayvon-martin-with-the-arrest-of-george-zimmerman

George Zimmerman in custody, faces second-degree murder charge in Trayvon Martin case

George Zimmerman in custody, faces second-degree murder charge in Trayvon Martin case

Five jailed after woman is found dismembered | Bryan/College Station, Texas - The Eagle

Five jailed after woman is found dismembered | Bryan/College Station, Texas - The Eagle

Christina Aguilera - Hurt

"Sun Therapy" for a boost to shake depression away

"Sun Therapy" for a boost to shake depression away

New Article!

Hi everyone! I have a new place for you to check out articles written by me for examiner.com! I deal with health and wellness!

http://www.examiner.com/wellness-in-houston/peace-and-happiness-despite-stress

Signs to look for in identifying Bipolar Disorder

People around the world live stressful lives. There are good days and bad ones for every person. When you are a person living with bipolar disorder, life's ups and downs can be more like base jumping off a mountain top to hiding under the covers with all the lights off sulking unable to leave your bed. Untreated, this disorder can wreak havoc on a persons life. It is so consuming it not only effects the person suffering with this daily, but it also effects the people around you whether it is family, friends, or co-workers. No one wants to be the creator of a hostile work environment or a troubled home. Treatment is absolutely necessary to prevent self destruction. There are symptoms of this disorder that are easily identifiable.

There are various cycles a person who is suffering from bipolar disorder goes through. An untreated individual will exhibit signs of mania or hyper activity which causes frequent mood changes, erratic thinking, impulsive actions, and a boost in energy. Depending on the severity of this disorder, a person during a manic phase can be awake for numerous days because they are unable to stop the constant negative inner monologue. Rapid thoughts and the inability to silence them are brutal. All of these things mixed together can paralyze a person and begin to interfere with the ability to function as a “normal” person.

A person who is manic can switch and slip into a depressive and low state of mind. It can happen within minutes, days, months, or years. This low period is often full of depression, and a person can lack the motivation needed to simply leave their bedroom or home. During a low period, people still have a negative inner voice torturing them to no end. It slowly chips away at self esteem, self value, and the will to live. A person will likely isolate during this period. Isolation is never good for someone suffering from this disorder. Isolation breeds erratic thought and actions. When a person is alone and depressed, their can also be a sudden increase in suicidal thoughts. This is why asking for help and surrounding yourself with people who can provide the support them through the various phases of bipolar disorder.

Living a normal functioning life is possible for individuals living with this disorder is possible. With the help of medical professionals and support of family and friends, a person can learn to eventually be able to control these symptoms. The most important part is acknowledging there is a mental health issue that must be addressed reach out for help.

To the Oklahoma Lawmakers: poem

Demi Lavato #StayStrong

I was flipping channels the other day, and I saw a commercial for Demi Lavato's one hour doc. on Mtv. I thought to myself, "wow this is a really brave young woman" because I was diagnosed bipolar at her age, and I could have never been so open about the chaos that was in my life. There is such a huge stigma attached to being depressed/bipolar/cutting/eating disorder. Demi is going to help so many young people to not be afraid and embrace themselves.
Being in pain emotionally is something that you have to have assistance with daily. Some people prefer to be medication free, but there are several of us that are medicinally dependent to live a "normal" life. There is no shame needing to take medicine. It is more painful doing without and listening to the constant negative inner voice which can be more abusive than anything else. I am constantly hard on myself because I have unrealistic expectations. It has taken many years to be okay with myself just the way I am. I love myself, and I realize I am a damn complex woman. I just wish I had someone to identify with when I was younger. As an adult, I want to help as many people as I can (regardless of age) who share the same "flaws" or "eccentricity".
When I was diagnosed bipolar, I thought "wow I really am fucking crazy" It made my self confidence disappear. I isolated myself. I would turn to other vices to numb myself. Eventually self medication became a problem. I could not identify with anyone else my age. I broke a mirror and started slicing my inner thighs and upper arms. No one knew I did this. Not even my family. I hid it all, and I just stayed so fucking mad at everyone...especially myself. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I had a problem. I wanted to deal with everything myself. This was the worst mistake I could make. My life spiraled downward from there. It was not always dark for me. I had plenty of fun depending on what phase i was in manic or low. When I was manic, I thought I could do no wrong, and if it was wrong, I did not care! I felt like I was unbreakable. I acted on impulse. When I was low, I was unable to leave my home, unable to speak to anyone for very long, cried constantly, and the only reason I moved on was because friends and family.
I was 27 when I met my husband. He was very aware of my complex life. He knew I could be bouncing off the wall one day incapable of movement the next. He held my hand until I felt better when I was anxious. He accepted me as a friend first, and he eventually lost his damn mind and married me. I could not understand why someone like him would want to chain himself to someone like me for the rest of his life. He loves me despite myself. He loves me unconditionally. He is one of a precious few who can calm me down when I'm raging, anxious, or scared. I can be in the middle of the worst panic attack, and I call him. The sound of his voice alone sooths me. He reminds me how strong I am. He knows that I am not a monster. I am just an emotionally charged person who is chemically imbalanced. Most people would run from that description, but not my angel.
I still battle daily to be a normal functioning individual. I have incredible strength because I have the support I need, and I realize how strong I am by moving forward and accepting my illness. My illness does not define me. It is a daily battle, but I am ready for the fight. I might have my moments of "walking the edge", but I will not fall because I have too much to living to do! If I wake one morning and decide I cannot deal with this day, I do what I can to push myself through it. I always talk to someone if I am having a hard time. Social networking has been amazing in that I have met so many other people like myself. There is always someone online to talk to regardless of the time of day or night. I encourage all of you to just reach out, and if you are at the point where you don't want to talk then get a pad of paper and write your insanity down. Get it out of your head, spirit, energy, etc! Self expression is an amazing release. When I write, I am purging myself of the insanity that is me. I feel at peace with myself when I write it out. Just remember to take life one day at a time. We are never given a burden that is too much to bare.

As this beautiful little one "Demi Lavato" says, "Stay Strong"

xoxo
BB

Kirk Cameron on homosexuality

This man is so incredibly annoying! EVOLUTION embrace it!

Feeling Low

I am impatient. My heart is heavy, and my head is pounding. I want to lay down and just cry it out. I do not have that luxury right now though. I sit here waiting for the moment I can turn on the water in the bathroom and just rid myself of all this heavy shit. The Catholic girl in me is fighting with the Wiccan hippie I have become, and my head can barely take it. My pain comes, and God/Goddess/Universe only know why I have been chosen to walk this path.  I am just following it. Riding out the bumps and holes. Holding on white knuckled for the ride. Waiting for the remedy to hit my blood and give me some sweet fucking relief from the anxiety that paralyzes me. I will put a smile on my face when I need to fake what I am feeling. Anyone who really knows me knows I cannot hide anything because I show it all through my eyes. I feel transparent. The world can look at me and see right through me. There to judge. There to pity. I don't want a pat on the head like I am a fucking half step away from a straight jacket. Fuck you until you walk in my damn shoes for a day. You live with emtional torture.  I put myself through this daily by reevaluating my every step, move, choice, all of it constantly there to remind me I am imperfect because I lack the ability to restrain myself at times. I would love nothing more than to tell the little voice in my head to STFU, but who would I talk to if the voice leaves?

Enough is Enough: Monster March Against Bullying

Enough is Enough: Monster March Against Bullying: I think my favorite line from their "info" section is: While parents, school officials and politicians keep imposing well intended rules a...

Enough is Enough: Oklahoma Teen Savagely Beaten in anti-Gay Attack

Enough is Enough: Oklahoma Teen Savagely Beaten in anti-Gay Attack: There was a party. Eighteen-year-old Cody Rogers, an LGBT teen, attended along with other of his friends. Also at the party, however, were...

Enough is Enough: Preventable Tragedy in Chardon, Ohio

Enough is Enough: Preventable Tragedy in Chardon, Ohio: This morning, in a sleepy town 30 mile east of Cleveland, Ohio, 17-year-old Thomas "TJ" Lane opened fire on some of his high school classm...

Why didn't I just stay in college the first time O.o

I have always been very blunt about my life with most people. I find sharing my own experiences with others can be incredibly satisfying especially when I find someone else who is similar to me. I feel strength in numbers. (lol) This last week was an interesting week. The topic of education was constantly brought up in different ways because my school loans need to be paid, and I really despise the expense of my collection of degrees.  I also took time to "reflect" on my prior decisions to put college off instead of committing to the task right after high school like normal people. However I am my mother's child, and I like to be stubborn and must only learn things by taking the hard road. I guess I like some of the bumps. O.o I remember being a teenager and dreaming about getting out of Texas and to Europe with my cousin Teresa. I really believed my parents would help fund a "year off after graduation to find myself", but I was incredibly wrong.

 "I do not care Mom college can wait!" these are the words that I regret the most. If I could go back 10 years to speak to my younger self, I would say "okay this is all going to suck a little bit but it will be worth it! Go to school now!" followed by a smack and a good shaking. My life throughout my twenties was spent partying while working various jobs and going to school at different points. I got the whole "college partying" experience here because living in a college town can lead to a load of fun trouble for your young and fearless years. I wish I would have just stayed in school when I was supposed to instead of quitting to work. Life without a degree is horrible financially. I did not realize this until I was older.

By the age of 28 I was married and having my first child. I thought about what kind of education I would need to be able to care for my child. I was lost, and it sucked because I was not a child. I was a grown ass woman who had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. As I became a wife and mother, the importance of education was brutally obvious. Shortly after I had my second child a daughter I decided I was going to return to college to finish what I started. I spent the next few years getting my Associates Degree in Information Technology, Bachelor of Science in Information Technology and Information System Security, and I am half way complete in obtaining my Masters in Management Information Systems. Going to college when you are married with two small children is a test of personal strength. I wish my parents had pushed school more rather than just working a blue collar job.

My parents did the best that they could with me, and I realize more now than ever. I was stubborn, and I would have done what I wanted to do regardless. I feel like since I spent most of my time just getting by in college when I was 18-20 years old. I knew I was not performing course work to the best of my ability. If I had more help available to me, I believe that I could have stayed in school at 20 instead of just dropping out. I think I would have gained more confidence in my academic abilities at a younger age if I was given the extra help I needed.  I definitely could have used the help of tutors. I have my son in various tutorial programs to make his school experience different than mine. I want him to actually enjoy school and not dread the place.

We want our children to enjoy their education because it is so vital. It is also very competitive once your children get older and closer to starting their journey into college. My husband and I will support both of our children while they are trying to get through school.  If either of the kids needed extra help for college prep work, I would consider using something like StudyPoint Tutoring because it is easier to have a tutor available online.  My opinion is biased because I prefer taking care of things online. I like having everything right at my finger tips!

I regret not completing my degrees before marriage and children, but it is the way it worked out for me. I made the best out of it. I felt compelled to completely my education because I want to be a proper example of a woman for both of my children but especially my daughter. I did not become the "I will sleep when it gets done" student until I was mature enough to be that committed to learning. I have learned that there is nothing that I cannot accomplish because all I have to do is envision it, resign to it, work hard, and enjoy the incredible sense of accomplishment I feel knowing I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to.....with help from my loving family. Make your kids stay in school people!

xoxo
BB

Just Wednesday Dude!

This week started off decent. I started to feel like something was brewing in the air Monday night. I was not planning on getting into an argument yesterday. I feel like I was pushed there. Everything around me was flipped upside down for a bit yesterday. I cannot let this whole ridiculous situation get me to the point that it interferes with my daily life because of how hard this plays with my emotions. Friends are in our lives for a specific reason. I believe that God places each person in our life there because we are meant to learn from each other and grow as friends and individuals. When the strength of a relationship is tested and fails, it is incredibly tragic. Sometimes we have no other choice than to leave and walk away. I don't want to go but I will because too much was said that cannot be taken back. We leaped across that "line in the sand" we know not to cross with each other.

This other person, and I have both invested so much time and emotions in our friendship. It is sad that something so insignificant can change everything. Maybe one day when time has passed we can be civil enough to each other to work through things, but the situation right now is too hostile on both parts for anything to be worked out. I have to step back and walk away from all this out of control drama. I cannot handle any more unnecessary drama from someone who is just genuinely unhappy and lacks self esteem. This is not the same person who I have always known. Somewhere between a sudden death and blown out rectum our friendship was tossed to the side a long ass time ago.

I have sat and listened to enough about why I should like her significant other. It is like she feels compelled to prove he is not a douche bag. I still stood next to her dispite what I thought inside because I am a loyal person. I have always wanted the best for her. I just lost the person I knew, and I had no idea how to approach the situation. Me losing control of my straight up rage yesterday was the most intense thing I have experienced in a very long time. I feel like I purged via text messages. It was inevitable that we would fight. I have never blown smoke up her ass in all the years we have been friends, and I am not going to start now. Now I have to live with myself after verbally assaulting one of my very good friends.

This morning I felt hung over from fighting full on mania. I am thankful I have more than one friend lol. My best friend will always be my husband. He is my strength. I have been very blessed to have found such an incredible person, and he actually loves me. He understands what I am dealing with right now, and he has been such an angel. Today I have kept myself busy. I am not going to allow her to have any power over me by sitting and dwelling on the situation. It is what it is. Only time will tell what is to become of the Thelma to my Louise. Hopefully we both learn something from this whole cluster fuck.

I have already learned I need to text my husband before I react to something that pisses me off LOL. I need to learn how to maintain my glide better. I am hoping that my friend learns I am a grown ass woman, and she needs to rethink barking because my bite back hurts.

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Life as Drea: Ugh Valentines O.o

Life as Drea: Ugh Valentines O.o: Do you feel the crazy in the air yet people? This time of year always brings out the inner insanity that most people do not share with othe...

Ugh Valentines O.o

Do you feel the crazy in the air yet people? This time of year always brings out the inner insanity that most people do not share with others. There it is with little restraint popping its evil little head out. During my teens, I dreaded this day. I thought it would change in my twenties. I still openly hated this day throughout my twenties! I proudly held a "girlfriends party" for my girls who were not married or dating, or I could be found with "my boys" protesting this day brought to you by Hallmark at a local bar. My boys were a mixture of every different type of dude there is alive, and I was definitely one of the boys. I almost always spent Valentines night getting faded instead of dating. When I met my husband, he was one of my boys. I was actively protesting this love holiday at his apartment when he walked in from work carrying a bag. I thought nothing of it. I said, "Hey dude!" and waved while my BGF nudged me with his elbow. Before I could react, my husband had a red bag with tissue paper inside of it handing it to me saying, "Happy Valentines Day" grinning at me. I was in complete shock and thrown off guard. My other two guy friends reacted as most stoned douche bags with hearts of gold would...a nice high pitched "ooooooo!!!!!" I started laughing as I felt all the blood in my body rush to my cheeks. I thanked him as I took the bag. It was a nice bottle of good high quality vodka. I remember hugging him and giving him a high five for the liquor. The man knew I loved to drink. I did begin to feel bad though because I had grabbed a few of valentine cards that kids use to pass out at school, and I had made one for him. I thought it would be cute. I was not expecting a gift from him though! My little Valentines Day card was so completely pathetic, but I handed it over to him. He grinned from ear to ear. I could tell he was more excited over my surprise and reaction to his gift that my little card just put the cherry on top for him. I knew we would always be the best of friends. All my other guys just offered to makeout with me....except for my boi's. I was even feeling especially down that year because I always counted on my Daddy buying me something on Valentines Day regardless if I was in a relationship or single but that year he went big for my mom. I was silently heartbroken that even my dad let me down that day. My husband made everything better with little effort. I am incredibly fortunate to have fallen in love with someone who was truly one of my best friends.

Valentines Day can be annoying and painful whether you are in a relationship or flying solo. Just make the most out of it. If you hate it, I say, have a "Fuck Valentines Day" party! Everyone must wear black in protest while you guzzle shots of your favorite liquor. Is your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend being a insensitive prick/poon, go out on your own. I would go shopping to buy me something and charge him/her. I am in no way saying this is what you should do!! I am just saying what I would do. When you are a teenager, do not worry about this day! It in no way affects your life ever! Despite what it might feel like on Valentines night when your friends are with their boyfriends/girlfriends and you are with your parents. Be happy that you are surrounded by people who love you!

I remember being told the whole "one day you will find a man that loves you despite yourself, and you will marry! You will have a little girl and a boy, and they will be just like you!". I sat spending hours of my life devoted to Disney movies and romance movies. When you are finally old enough to date, you realize very quickly that nothing is as it seems. The chances of your significant other bursting through the front door carrying a ton of red roses and a box from Tiffany's are slim. There will always be something wrong because nothing is ever as perfect as it is in the movies. Now I do like the occassional romantic book or movie. I am not souless. I just think they can be misleading and perpetuate unrealistic dreams.

For me, love was a bottle of vodka that opened the door for real emotions shared between two best friends over time. We grow together. We learn from each other. There are times when I want to choke him out, and he wants to body slam me. This is normal. Well for us it is normal. The good times outweigh the bad. Regardless of your current "status" love yourself and the family and friends that love you too. Now let's trash all these red hearts and be mine bullshit and break out some vodka to raise some hell!

Life

Ten years ago....Friday meant party. I miss those nights where you don't have a clue what you are going to do later, but you know you're going to have serious fun. When pre-gaming to catch a buzz was required, we are not paying that much to get drunk when we can do it at home first. (LOL) I miss spontaneous road trips to random places, and hanging out with friends until the sun came up! 

I don't miss random douche bags and hangovers! I do not miss surviving crazy shit I have no idea how I survived because of living by the "we go hard or go home" motto! I don't miss feeling as if i had no real purpose. I don't miss all the insecurities of being young and unsure.
I lived like there was no tomorrow, and I am glad that I experienced everything that I did when I was young and reckless. All the bad ass moments and even the sucked ass moments. I learned how strong I am and how weak I can allow myself to be. I grew emotionally and spiritually, and I met my saving grace.

Live your lives! Take advantage of your young and reckless years because they will be gone way too soon. Look inward for the answers you are searching for in life. Never be scared to question everything!! All our paths are mapped out before us. It is up to us to find the way. Growing up is fucking scary! This is why we cannot be scared to evolve as humans. It is our fate. I am grateful for finding the person God and Goddess has chosen for me to live out the rest of my life with. I cherish that I was blessed with two beautiful and healthy children. There are still times I miss my 20s, but I am excited about living my life with more confidence as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, and sister. My confidence strengthens each day, and life is much easier when you know without doubt who you are and want to be.

For My Love

When I cannot love myself,
You love me…
Remind me that my love is your air
Masculine…unafraid to show your raw emotion
Your energy consumes me as you pull me into your arms
I close my eyes…
Silently thanking God
For blessing such an undeserving soul…with this love
I endeavor to deserve you…
My living angel
Always saving me from my own self destruction
I never knew my true potential
Until you helped me see…
With your love…I can live out all of my dreams
When I lose focus, you remind me…
Of my transparency
I am bare… asking for forgiveness
As you reassure me our love is constant and all enduring
And in moments of absolute chaos…
You are my only sanity
Your eyes… hold the best moments in my life
Our love unites us as one
Designed never to be broken apart

xoxo
Drea

I don't know you anymore.....

I love without restraint and passionately. I am very loyal to the point that it can be detrimental to myself. Jaded from past experiences, I am fighting to let go of the disappointment I feel deep inside. I believe we are placed in different scenarios throughout our lives to prepare us for something greater. My strength is being tested. I was there without any questions offering my support when no one else wanted to help. Now I am stuck with this feeling of dread, and I am disheartened by the outcome. I never thought there would be anything to change my perception of you yet the thought of you makes me shake my head in disbelief. There is no looking back now. I am tormented by your clouded judgement and complete lack of self esteem. There is no recognition. The bitch I knew would shake her head in disgust at the decisions you have made. You are a shell of who you once were. How does it feel to willingly laydown in the gutter because it is where he wants you to be? Will you keep a guard up to protect yourself from being a punching bag? I see you standing alone. Unwilling to lift an arm up to block fists out of fear you lie there taking it because you handed over all of your power to a fiend who is forever the victim. At what point did your self respect flee? I am pained by my inability to help you understand you deserve so much better in life, but you do not believe my words because dysfunction is all you know. If you stay in the dark, there is little chance of you ever finding the light. When will you learn, love does not hurt. Love that is pure and unconditional is better than any drug we have tried. The thought that you may never experience this type of love in your life breaks my heart into a million pieces. I wish I could make you see in yourself all of the beauty I have always seen inside of you. Pain can be addictive. Since I have known you, I have watched the self inflicted torture you put yourself through. I pray for the best but prepare for the worst. As long as you ignore your intution, you will never get yourself on the right path again. Our friendship has began to crumble since you decided in a moment of crisis to hand your heart and self respect over to someone who will never be capable to give you the love and life you deserve. Instead you keep the fucked up cycle of chaos around you. I have no room in my life for those who bring me into their bullshit. I always thought we would ride or die together. Now, I feel the need to walk away and not look back. I have to leave you in the shitty mess you did not create but accepted because I can honestly say I cannot and will not allow my family to be around yours. Call me what you want to and judge me as you wish. You are no longer the type of person I want my children around. I am too old for this bullshit. I will always love you. I just cannot be associated with the new you and him.