Demi Lavato #StayStrong

I was flipping channels the other day, and I saw a commercial for Demi Lavato's one hour doc. on Mtv. I thought to myself, "wow this is a really brave young woman" because I was diagnosed bipolar at her age, and I could have never been so open about the chaos that was in my life. There is such a huge stigma attached to being depressed/bipolar/cutting/eating disorder. Demi is going to help so many young people to not be afraid and embrace themselves.
Being in pain emotionally is something that you have to have assistance with daily. Some people prefer to be medication free, but there are several of us that are medicinally dependent to live a "normal" life. There is no shame needing to take medicine. It is more painful doing without and listening to the constant negative inner voice which can be more abusive than anything else. I am constantly hard on myself because I have unrealistic expectations. It has taken many years to be okay with myself just the way I am. I love myself, and I realize I am a damn complex woman. I just wish I had someone to identify with when I was younger. As an adult, I want to help as many people as I can (regardless of age) who share the same "flaws" or "eccentricity".
When I was diagnosed bipolar, I thought "wow I really am fucking crazy" It made my self confidence disappear. I isolated myself. I would turn to other vices to numb myself. Eventually self medication became a problem. I could not identify with anyone else my age. I broke a mirror and started slicing my inner thighs and upper arms. No one knew I did this. Not even my family. I hid it all, and I just stayed so fucking mad at everyone...especially myself. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I had a problem. I wanted to deal with everything myself. This was the worst mistake I could make. My life spiraled downward from there. It was not always dark for me. I had plenty of fun depending on what phase i was in manic or low. When I was manic, I thought I could do no wrong, and if it was wrong, I did not care! I felt like I was unbreakable. I acted on impulse. When I was low, I was unable to leave my home, unable to speak to anyone for very long, cried constantly, and the only reason I moved on was because friends and family.
I was 27 when I met my husband. He was very aware of my complex life. He knew I could be bouncing off the wall one day incapable of movement the next. He held my hand until I felt better when I was anxious. He accepted me as a friend first, and he eventually lost his damn mind and married me. I could not understand why someone like him would want to chain himself to someone like me for the rest of his life. He loves me despite myself. He loves me unconditionally. He is one of a precious few who can calm me down when I'm raging, anxious, or scared. I can be in the middle of the worst panic attack, and I call him. The sound of his voice alone sooths me. He reminds me how strong I am. He knows that I am not a monster. I am just an emotionally charged person who is chemically imbalanced. Most people would run from that description, but not my angel.
I still battle daily to be a normal functioning individual. I have incredible strength because I have the support I need, and I realize how strong I am by moving forward and accepting my illness. My illness does not define me. It is a daily battle, but I am ready for the fight. I might have my moments of "walking the edge", but I will not fall because I have too much to living to do! If I wake one morning and decide I cannot deal with this day, I do what I can to push myself through it. I always talk to someone if I am having a hard time. Social networking has been amazing in that I have met so many other people like myself. There is always someone online to talk to regardless of the time of day or night. I encourage all of you to just reach out, and if you are at the point where you don't want to talk then get a pad of paper and write your insanity down. Get it out of your head, spirit, energy, etc! Self expression is an amazing release. When I write, I am purging myself of the insanity that is me. I feel at peace with myself when I write it out. Just remember to take life one day at a time. We are never given a burden that is too much to bare.

As this beautiful little one "Demi Lavato" says, "Stay Strong"

xoxo
BB