Alone for a moment
before I have to be super mom. I feel my energy shifting. My heart is
aching. When you are in the “Bipolar Club”, it is not a huge
surprise that my emotions get the best of me. I normally know what
triggers what I am feeling at this moment. I feel my anxiety rising,
and I run to the comfort of my bedroom to write it out. I have to get
these feelings down on paper and out of my body & mind. As I open
the file to start writing, it occurs to me all at once. Tomorrow is
my cousin's birthday. Six years since a broken heart took her away
from me. I celebrate her death date because I consider it a huge day.
It is the day my life changed, and it is the day she finally found
the peace and love she desperately needed. My soul will always be
unsettled until I somehow find the strength to let go of this pain
and guilt.
I keep going back to the last time I felt her arms and smelled her perfume. I miss her emails and the sound of her laugh. I miss her face, and the smart ass remarks that she would give me. I miss my soul sister. She was the only cousin I had/have who could truly understand me and my craziness because we were both totally flawed in all the same ways. We evened each other out. She was the one female that I always compared myself to because for me she embodied all that I ever loved. I wanted to be a version of her my whole life. The older cousin who influenced my life the most. Family functions are never the same. At least when she was alive and did get the chance to come to the states to visit, it was Teresa and I against the rest of the family (aside from my parents and brothers lol). We were not the real crazy ones. Everyone else was fucked! We were the bad ass bitches in the bunch.
If I could go back
6 years and talk to my younger self, I would grab myself by the
shoulders and said, “listen bitch! That feeling of dread and
uncontrollable sadness is from your cousin! She needs you! Don't
ignore your intuition Andrea! Call her, and remind her you love her.
Swallow your damn pride before you lose her.”
If I could talk to
her again, I would tell her, “T I need you to keep me sane when I'm
going crazy because life is too much. Please don't leave me! You
don't understand how broken I would be without you there supporting
me. I can't imagine the hell I would live with knowing you died
because I did not support you like I always said I would. I'm so
sorry I turned my back on you when I got married. I'm so fucking
sorry I let go of you instead of holding you close to me. I need you
more than you know! Forgive me and the pride that has kept me from
telling you I love you prima with all that is inside of me!
A part of me died
6 years and 1 month ago. As soon as I heard the words from my dad
that you had died. When I fell to the floor, I felt her energy
surround me as I screamed “I'm so sorry T! Please God tell her I'm
so sorry!!! I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to push her
away. She will never know this now!!!” If it were not for my
husband and children, I don't know that I would have survived this
loss.
I am still
incapable of forgiving myself, but I am getting there as time passes.
I will never be the same person who I was before she left. It is
okay. I have been blessed, and I know she has helped me out from
heaven. I just wish I could look into her eyes and hold on to her
just one more time.
Happy Birthday T!
Xoxo
Andrea
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