Life as Drea: May 2012

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Something's missing

The last few weeks have been super busy. Between my husbands busy work schedule to making sure I am available for school activities for both kids, my schedule has been a bit chaotic. Freelance writing is going great. I enjoy what I am working on right now. It leaves even less time to just blog and get all that crazy energy that is bunched up causing stress to leave my body.

I cannot seem to find time to be able to concentrate like I need to in order to write. When I am alone, I try to get writing done, but times goes so fast. I do not get as much as I need to do accomplished. This just infuriates me even further. There seems to be zero release of negativity, and it is bringing me down. As soon as I sit to write, the entire family comes into my room because they want to talk. I know I am supposed to be all happy and “i love that part of my day” I do for the most part. I just cannot handle being unable to be free of company to vent and bitch and moan which just makes things even more difficult. No one seems to understand. I get told that I am cold and distant when I request time alone. I get the guilt from the kids that I don't love them because I need “alone time”. I could sit here and cry about all the shit that I have to deal with on a daily basis for hours. I just need time to myself to be able to function as I normally do on any other day. If I do not release the anger on paper, I am inevitably going to explode.

I ask for time, and I feel like an asshole because I need to write. I get so frustrated I cannot put my feelings into words, and I start to rage. If I were them, I would just let me write it out to avoid the drama. I wish I could zone them out, so I don't have to banish them from my room. My concentration lately has been completely fucked. I find it very hard to write when I have an audience, and I lose my thoughts quickly. I feel myself turning into a monster, but I have no idea what to do to calm myself without making everyone around me feel my frustration. I do not like being a moody person.

I love my family. I know that I am a very blessed person. My thoughts and emotions get to me, and I feel myself getting low. I was racing with mania for the last 3 weeks. I am finally starting to feel some normalcy, and I am pulled down again. I want to isolate myself. I want to stay in my bed. Sleep is sweet relief because at least for that amount of time my worries are gone. I am riding the bipolar coaster again. I just try to keep myself busy, but I end up sitting alone in deep thought going over all the things I have failed to do. I need a break from all these feelings and thoughts.

All I know is that something is missing inside of me.