At times I feel vacant. I have not been able to find a place of peace all week. It seems that whenever there is an ounce of peace it is quickly interrupted with the next crisis. Being a woman who deals with also being Manic, I sometimes find it hard to express myself it can be very hard to maintain daily life. This never-ending growth of negativity has taken over, and I want to escape. I crave the darkness. The silence is painful, and I want to let go. My husbands constant strength and support, and the love of my children stop me from giving up completely. No one truly understands what it is like to be like me. It is exciting, always entertaining, yet bittersweet. When I feel passionately about a topic, I tend to speak louder especially when dealing with my extended family. My immediate family understands that I am Manic Depressive/Bipolar, and many have no idea what it means. I then fall to the side with the label crazy.
When you are labeled crazy by your own family, they have the tendency to dismiss anything that you say. There is nothing more insulting to me than to dismiss me. I might be bipolar, but I am highly functional. I have multiple degrees, and I am still a student. I am far from ignorant, and I should get credit for it because I come from a family working class people. I am the first person in my family to have more than a high school diploma yet I still get looked over. My own family prefers to deal with my husband than with me. It is sweet for me, but it is also a blow to my self esteem. No matter what I accomplish in life, I will never receive true credit from my extended family. It hurts, but I have my own family to worry about and take care of. Because I do not have a job outside of my home, one of my aunts told me I was worthless.
I think some people think because I am a stay at home mother I am some how lower ranked in life. This really irritates me. My husband and I agreed on our lifestyle before we got married. It was always my intention to be a stay at home mother. I want to raise my children, and I wanted to make sure that I am available for what they need. We have never had to defend our lifestyle to anyone until now. I found myself screaming into the telephone more than once yesterday because of a misunderstanding between family. In the process of trying to figure out what all was going on, my aunt says I have no worth because I have no damn job. This ignited the fire that had been building within me. She is almost 70, and she decided to hit low then hang up on me. Can I at least get the opportunity to give a rebuttal?
It took me about thirty seconds to call her back, and she hid from me by not answering her telephone. I left the ugliest message, and I am not proud of it however it felt great! "Listen bitch! I am a mother to my children and I have something you NEVER had a fucking H-U-S-B-A-N-D!" I shouted into my cellphone like a lunatic. I pretty much ended that relationship, and I knew I was doing it. I am tired of dealing with her problems. She is an unhappy wench. I have been as civil as possible for a long time, and she picked the wrong person to mess with. I am very confrontational. I do not believe in sugar coating anything. Let us be blunt as not to waste time.
After all of the drama, I found myself laying like a blob in my bed in capable of moving. It took hours for me to stop shaking from negative energy. Waking this morning, I am fearful something new will come up today. In an effort to stay sane, I am not speaking with anyone except my husband today. Anyone who calls can leave a message. I am not speaking with any of my aunts. I am over it. Family should not act this way, and I am aware of this. My point is, why fix it? Enough has been said. Let's just go our own ways. We are all adults. I will gladly become that family member that no longer talks to the rest of the family. My stress level would drop drastically. I am tired of caring what people think of me. I am tired of waiting for some type of acknowledgment from my family for my accomplishments rather than mistakes or things they consider mistakes because we never agree on the definition of mistake. It is all post menopausal bullshit.
Today I will spend the day cleaning my house and clearing out the negative energy that is hovering throughout it. Yesterday I took two steps backwards as someone who is manic, but today I gain those back. I will not empower my aunt by letting her bullshit negatively effect me anymore. I think we both silently agree to ignore each other from this point forward. Our relationship has never been great. I think she resents me for being so close to my cousin. She used to have to call me to find out if my cousin was doing okay. We put that all aside once my cousin died because life changed for both of us. Eventually the trouble that was never dealt with before the death is going to come back up, and it is finally here. My cousin always understood why her mother and I never got along, and I feel her supporting me right now. Somewhere in all of this dysfunction there is enlightenment. It is up to me to find it.
xoxo
D
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