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Dear You

Dear You,

I trusted too much. I have never kept my mouth shut over someone or something that bothered me, but I did for you because I believe your core is not bad. When my conscience/intuition/energy connects, it forces me to acknowledge things I normally do not want to regardless of the results. At this point, I cannot continue to ignore the parts of your life that I have a hard time understanding. Obviously we cannot speak about this topic either because it hit a nerve.

I have put serious hours and emotions going through this whole process because I do not like hurting people that I honestly care about. I pretty much knew what the outcome would most likely be because it was quite predictable. You can go about your way being the victim. I regret backing you up in the past when you needed someone to stick up for you. I said nothing to deserve the childish fit that I had to watch play out. I am incredibly unsure of how to deal with angry women. I have a touch too much of testosterone. (LOL)

I am resigning from my position of being the lucky one to blow sunshine up your ungrateful ass. I stand by my position. I have tons of LGBT friends. It is what is appropriate at a certain age. I feel like a fraud not at least saying to you, "Hey it is getting a touch creepy up in here". I never wanted it to get to this point. I am sad that it did. I know I feel better getting it out from inside of me. I was hoping the reaction would not be so dramatic, but it is what it fucking is!

 The End!

Carys & Me at Cowboy Stadium

We went to watch Texas Tech vs. Baylor. We are not fans of either team, but my sister-in-law is Tech Alumni. Cowboy Stadium is amazing!!

This is my husband Dan, my son Ethan, and my daughter Carys

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope that you are all having a wonderful day. My family and I are at granny and granddad's house near Fort Worth. The house smells so delicious from all the food cooking in the kitchen. I am taking time to write and check some emails while everything is cooking. I am so happy to be away for the long weekend, but traffic was insane last night! We were stuck in traffic for an hour bumper to bumper heading up to the Fort Worth area. Thankfully the kids slept, and it was not as hectic as it could have been. We got to granny's at midnight, and I went straight to bed! There is something about sleeping at granny's house that makes me so comfy. All I want to do is lay around under blankets! I get the best sleep in this house!

This is our first Thanksgiving without our Great Grandma "Mawmaw" here with us. It is different not having her here. Especially this Thanksgiving because we are celebrating my sister& brother-in-law on their first pregnancy. The baby is due in March. I think both of them are glowing. Their energy is beautiful. I know that Mawmaw is here in spirit, and she is just tickled at the thought of her granddaughter's pregnancy. There are just so many things to be thankful for this year.

I am thankful that I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have two beautiful children that are in good health and happy. We have a huge family of people always offering support and guidance. I have many blessings to be thankful for in my life. Although there are times when I want to lock myself in a room and cry, I have a great life with some of the most amazing people I have ever known. I hope that everyone else knows this love and is thankful as well. I am especially thankful for all of our men and women fighting for our safety and freedom across the world. Thank you for your service. Thank you for peace of mind. Come home soon!

Forever Thankful,
Drea

Carys G. Rives aka Carita is 7 today!!!

Carys G. Rives aka Carita is 7 today!!!

I was so very blessed 7 years ago today when I first saw my baby girl. My husband Dan and I were both scared when we found out we were having a girl, but I was prepared for the challenge...at least that is what I really thought at the time! Labor was my first sign that this kid was going to be tough. After two epidurals failed, the nurse looked at me between gut wrenching screams and said, "Andrea look at me! You are going to have to prepare to deliver her without pain assistance!! You can do this okay!?!" At that point, I think I went blank out of shock, and I looked at Dan crying saying, "Nooooo!! I cannot do this without pain meds!!!" I remember the sadistic doctor responsible for both epidural failures sticking his head in to apologize again. I did not even let him speak I just remember holding Dan's hand and saying, "if you think i'm paying for both of those epidural you've got me fucked up!" Yes even in labor, I protest hospital bills (LOL). As I got closer to push time, I was screaming louder, and I hear an alarm go off and nurses rush in the room. I knew something was completely wrong.

Carys's heartbeat was dropping every time I had a contraction. The nurses said that if it continued, I would need an emergency C-Section. It scared me, but I really did not want that surgery. After a few more minutes of, "no don't push! your doctor is almost here!" I started doing what I do! I get pissed off because of the pain, I am screaming like I am dying, and I start cursing. Yes, I was the mother that actually did scream, "get her out of meeeee!!!!! now!!!!!!" (LOL) As soon as my doctor walked in I said "Finally!" and I pushed that little girl out!!" The doctors face changed, and she said "hold your push! The cord is in a knot!" I think I turned white when I saw the tight knot. She held my baby up and passed her to the nurses. The doctor looked at me and said, "you just had a miracle. I have heard of a knot in the cord, but I have never delivered one sucessfully." My child should have died during birth, but she lived. She is my clone, and I fall more in love with her every single day.

I never really knew what my purpose was in life. I knew that I wanted to accomplish certain goals in life, but I was always unsure of myself and my decisions. When I had both children, I knew that I was meant to be "Mama". I might be winging it because I have no idea what the hell I am doing, but neither does anyone else really. My husband and I are just trying to raise good children with open hearts and minds.

Yesterday we celebrated Carys's 7th birthday with her class. I took cupcakes for the kids to eat. I walked in the room, and Carys was seated with a crown on her head. She handed out all the cupcakes, and a few kids had seconds until they were gone. After the party, we walked to get Ethan out of his class to go home. She walked in the door, and she runs up to Ethan to tell him it's time to leave. As I talked to his teacher, I noticed when he turned around and saw his sister. He smiled and gave her a big hug without being told to! I could have cried. Sibling rivalry is deep in this family. I have been trying to explain the importance of their relationship forever! They are finally at an age where they are understanding how important they are to each other. I told Ethan how beautiful it was that he hugged her. Carys then explains that he ran up and gave her a hug at lunch too. I lost control of my tears at that point. Knowing that he understands she was having a tough time in school this week, and she really needed his support. He put aside any name calling that he might get from his guys for hugging his sister, but he does not care what anyone says about him. "Their opinion doesn't matter Mom. I know I'm good inside" he said.

Somehow, in all the chaos that is our lives, he was actually listening when we told him "it's not about what other people think. It is how it makes you feel inside. If you think you can live with yourself and your choices, you can get at it son, and no one can stop you" He finally understands, and she is realizing her brother is her best friend.

Today is all about Carys! She is getting breakfast in bed (when she wakes up!) and gets the living room television all day. She is going to spend time with my parents while Ethan and I go shopping for her gifts this afternoon. He knows exactly what he wants to buy her. We are also letting him get a surprise because he stepped up and supported his sister so much this week. It is nice to walk in to their school and be told by the staff that I have the kindest and most well behaved children. It takes a second for me to realize they are talking about my midget monsters! O.o Thank God they are exactly like their Dad and keep their crazy at home...unlike their mom. Thank you God, Goddess, and universe for the many blessings you have given me despite my constant transgressions.

Love & Light,
Drea

In Response to "The Most Loathsome People" Blog

Dear Amy Alton and Admin,

I thought this blog was a joke when I first started reading it. When I realized it was not, I felt a great deal of disappoinment. How does someone even attempt to compare anyone in the LGBT community to terrorists? I am certain that Trina Vodraska and Janelle Sievers did not seek out this baker because she was a Christian Extremist. They have other things on their minds like trying to understand why they cannot marry legally and it is almost 2012.

Not all LGBT people care to argue or encounter hatred on a daily basis. Just as they do not choose to be LGBT because it is simply how they were born. I was taught that God makes no mistakes my entire life. I was told I could call on God 24/7, and he or she would carry me through my pain until I was strong enough to walk on my own. Christians, Jews, Muslims, etc. We all pray to the same God. We all use various names for our highest power, but it is still the same. It is how society has interpreted the bible, torah, quran, etc that Gods words are twisted. This causes an immense amount of ignornace, and people use God and religion as an excuse to justify their hatred. When you say, "Contempt is more suited for people like Trina Vodraska and Janelle Sievers.  Like jihadi terrorists, many gay rights activists, (the kind satirized in Bias Incident: The World’s Most Politically Incorrect Novel)  want to force people to agree with them by striking fear into the hearts of all that would voice dissent.  In other words, the goals Trina and Janelle pursue are the spitting image of the goals of jihadi terrorists." you are doing exactly what God wants no part of in any way shape or form. Can you not hear God pleading with so many of you to stop using his name as an excuse to continue spreading your propaganda?

People will do anything to sell a book. You seem to have given your soul right to the devil by letting the hatred inside of you and spreading that vile gibberish...probably from your mom's basement. I have many friends and family who are LGBT, and not one of them is afriad or lacks courage. If they did, they would never leave their homes in fear of people like you. It is our duty as human beings to evolve with the world. There should be no fear of evolution. Evolving as an individual is necessary in order to find peace within yourself and your higher power. If you consciously choose to stay planted in the "good old boy" mentality, you will never be able to know true love. Love is a gift. Unconditional love is a greater gift. Learning that both types of love cannot thrive without the other is the first step in understanding very person regardless of sexuality/race/religion deserves to be loved and love whoever God made for them. God places us each here for a certain reason. We also have partners in life that God places there because we are made for each other. Who are you to say God is wrong in allowing Trina and Janelle find unconditional love in each other? Sadly you are just another ignorant closed off person. I pray none of your children or family come to you expressing their sexuality is LGBT because your words cut deeply. You are the exact type of person who makes LGBT youth want to kill themselves. I pray for you.

I pray you find peace within yourself. Maybe this will help you be finished with the hatred you hold within you. I pray you open your eyes and embrace change instead of fear what you do not know. I would rather die than live my life stuck in the past. I embrace evolution as God does. I also pray you have no offspring to turn into tiny hate spewing bullies.

Ridiculous LGBT hatred

Warning! The following blog contains very hostile and pure hatred towards the LGBT community. I apologize for this person's ignorance! I am only posting it so that you understand my next entry.

With Love,
Drea

http://www.politicallyincorrectnovel.com/the-most-loathsome-people-in-the-world/#comment-70

Hectic! It's Just Monday Dude? O.o

So many things going through my mind. Finding the right time to get things down on paper has been a huge challenge. It seems like everytime I sit and try to write someone calls, screams mom, or it is time to run somewhere. This is extremely annoying to me! I am the type of person that has to at least make a note if not immediately write it all down, or I am going to completely forget what the hell I was doing. I have a little notebook I carry with me to constantly keep notes which is normally helpful, but I am so busy with the kids it seems pointless to try. Writing is my passion and my escape. I have to put all that is traveling through my mind out onto paper before it begins to consume me. Now that my children are getting older I am hoping they will begin to understand my creative process or at least pretend to respect it a little bit. Right now they just think I am playing a game or chatting. Explaining my creative process to them at 6 & 8 is just pointless right now. Eventually they will understand though, and I am anxiously awaiting that point in time.

I have been writing a great deal of poetry lately. I have always loved poetry. I cannot just throw something on paper that rhymes. It comes from something I have experienced or a feeling. I grab inspiration from life experiences, fantasy, and various muses. Sometimes I can do for months without a single word written. Other times, it pours out of me, and I cannot stop until it is all written out before me. When inspiration strikes, I have to roll with it before it becomes mute. I love the feeling of release I get from putting my feelings down on paper and into written form. It is like a drug for me. Knowing that other people appreciate what I write and identify with it is even more inspiring. I write for myself, but I have to admit I like knowing that my words have touched someone in a special way. It is great feedback. It gives me direction and guidance. Some people inspire me just with their comments about something that I have written. So all feedback and comments are welcome! Keep them coming because I love them, and I need them! All I have ever wanted to was to "live by my pen". Actually taking steps to fulfill that dream is the most amazing experience.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and emails.

xoxo
D

P!nk - Nobody Knows

Lost In Love (by G. Carrillo)

Sitting in his lap is my favorite place to be

Slow deep kisses

Chase me, crave me, pull me close 

Alone with you bare and vulnerable

Looking down into your eyes 

Time ceases to exist

It's just you and me and these four walls

Lost in a sea of covers

I submit to you naturally

He guides my body 

My legs wrapped around him

The warmth of his breath on my neck

Electrifying energy circulating freely

Sitting face to face

Staring into his blue eyes

Our bodies rock in sync 

Arching my back lost in complete ecstacy 

He moans as my body begins to shake

Locked eyes we reach higher harder faster

His arms surround me as I lay my head on his chest

Lost in this perfect moment

Unglued

In my head, I am at war with myself. Some days are better than others. Today has been so heavy, and I barely have energy left. I will blame it on the full moon. I am emotional right now. I have no idea why. I never take myself too serious. I just feel this immense loss inside my chest. I feel hallow. Attention starved, I crave affection.

Sitting alone. I feel as if my arms are restrained. The only emotion I show is the anger that builds each day. When I try to ground myself, it seems useless because nothing changes. In repair and discontent. All I want is peace.......in my head and heart. Alone with my thoughts, I wonder how much longer I can live like this. Something is missing inside of me. My weakness disgusts me, but it cannot be avoided. I embrace the dark. Holding on tight to feel the intimacy. Drowning in black. Searching for the light knowing there will be none. I am the creator of my own hell. My transgressions will eventually lead to the end of me.


DR

Hilarious: The Millionaire

Hilarious: The Millionaire

Best Weekend Ever

November 6, 2011

I have had the best weekend, and my spirit is renewed. I feel like my energy has been cleansed. The peacefulness I feel is priceless. Being married for nine years in this day and age is a huge deal. Spending time away together allowed us to reconnect. This is a very important part of our relationship. I think it is what keeps the love alive and exciting. We only had one night away from the kids, and we made the most of it! The cabin was insane. I was completely in love as soon as we drove up. It was secluded in a patch of oak trees. The positive energy from the cabin was amazing.

We got comfy and drank some champagne. I put a roast with potatoes and veggies in a slow cooker, and it cooked all day while we enjoyed the huge jacuzzi on our front porch. There was also a swing on the other end of the porch, and we sat outside on the porch most of the time we were there. It was so nice to be able to actually hold a real adult conversation without being interupted. We also got to watch movies too. We got back to town a couple of hours ago. I am still completely relaxed.

The kids were very excited to see us. My mom and dad survived the sleep over. We just ordered some Chinese and rented some movies. We are all about staying comfortable. Ordering out and watching movies is about as much as I care to do today. It is cloudy and rainy outside today which makes it perfect movie weather. Life is good people!

Life is good! I have been blessed with a strong and amazing man who loves me unconditionally. We have two beautiful and healthy children. After nine years of marriage, his love is still better than any drug.

xoxo
Drea

Poetry

Poetry

(Written Thursday, September 9, 2010)

I watch your eyes as they follow my body from head to toe
Leaning forward slowly to give you a better view
We have waited long enough for the inevitable
You are going to wear me well when I am draped across you

Blue eyes fixated on me...I want to be your dirty girl fantasy
I follow your lead as you grab my hand and lead me to your room
The taste of your kiss is sweet like sugar...
But your hands are confident and aggressive as you explore

Move me like you want me just keep your eyes coming back to mine
As clothing falls to the ground
I feel your skin on my skin and submit to you
Take me as I am and show me you can love me like I need

We connect with the strength of two magnets
Loss of hours and all surroundings
I am completely yours and you are all for me...
And like all other things in my life...I found love through all of my faithful sins.


xoxo
drea

WILLY WONKA by TRUBORNZ - Uploaded by: Yung_will - @yung_will_TB

WILLY WONKA by TRUBORNZ - Uploaded by: Yung_will - @yung_will_TB

Loving Life

I cannot believe it is already November! This year has really passed by quickly. I look forward to spending more time with my family over the holidays. The most challenging part of this time of year for me is going to be the food. I have lost almost 40lbs over the last few months. I have had my setbacks or as I like to call them "fat girl moments", and gaining a little bit of the weight back snapped me back into shape. I want to keep losing weight and keep the 40lbs I already lost off. It is just going to be complicated, and I am going to have to remain strong. I have lost another size in clothing. The clothes I just got back into are starting to fit me too big, and I am gaining confidence. With help from family and friends I am psotive I will continue to be successful although it will not be easy! Halloween candy has proven the point that I need more self control. Damn chocolate!

My husband and I celebrated 9 years of marriage this past Wednesday. We took the kids out for a nice dinner that night to celebrate. I got my customary red roses from my husband. We are also about to drop the kids off with my parents because we are going out to the country today for the night. We need grown up time. I found a cabin about 45 minutes away. It is just the right size for two people. It is tucked in the middle of a bunch of trees so complete solitude is going to be amazing. We have a hot tub on the porch to enjoy, and we are taking a sexy weekend snack basket I put together. We should not have to leave the place once we get there. I hope all goes well. I have not been this excited to get out of town alone in a long time. This time of year stays hectic for our family. Taking this slight break for just the two of us is exactly what we need to relax a bit before more holiday ridiculousness takes over our lives again. I will of course document the cabin with pictures. I will upload as soon as I get a chance. I am trying to keep any social networking or blogging until Tomorrow night. This is huge because I am ALWAYS texting or updating my Twitter and Facebook. I believe I need a rehab for social networking addictions. I will be fine! My husband stays so busy this time of year, I am excited I get all his attention for myself for once.

It is hard to believe we have been married for 9 years already. It still feels new. We are still learning things about each other. Accepting things we cannot change about each other is hard, but it is worth the compromise. We both do things that annoy each other, but we know without doubt we are strong enough together to overcome anything in life. He is my strength and my calm. When we got married, I was terrified. I remember turning to begin my walk down the isle to him, and all at once my knees began to shake like nothing I had ever experienced before. I told my dad, "I can't breathe". There were so many people standing and looking directly at me. My anxiety went from zero to 100 in 5 seconds. I was scared I would not make it up the isle because my knees were knocking so hard. My daddy was helping me walk, and a friend I passed told me to smile. I just looked forward until I could see Dan. The isle was so long, and I remember thinking "why did I want the dramatic long isle?" As soon as I saw my Dan and his beautiful blue eyes, my body felt peace. I smiled from ear to ear showing all my teeth like Donkey from Shrek. My knees stopped knocking, and I could not wait to take his hand. I was so scared he would not think I was beautiful. The crazy insecirities of a hormonal bride indeed! The ceremony itself was just like we wanted it which was short and sweet preacher man! We were at that alter because our parents wanted a church wedding. Our vowal renewal will be outside where God and Universe intended. All I cared about on that day was being with my new husband. It was a beautiful day. Of course we had mistakes throughout the day like no flowers for the bridesmaids, a late dj, and my brother introducing themselves to my new conservative inlaws by teaching them how to do a "Keg Stand" correctly. They also showed them how to drop it low with our Southern rap keeping it straight up gangsta! I danced with my brothers which is always fun. I also danced with my husband, and it was the only time we ever danced because he is not a dancer. Etta James's "At Last" was our song. Bringing two opposite types of families together was beautiful. Thank God his family embraced mine and me because I am that tattooed hippie chick my husband's parents always warned him about, and he loves me...flaws, claws, and all. He loves my eccentricity, and I love his wholesomeness. I have no doubt God created this man for me and lead me on one hell of a road to get to him. I kissed allot of bullfrogs searching for him too. I was seriously a douche bag magnet!

I am still shocked my husband was able to look past the bullshit. The perks of marrying your best friend. He witnessed so much of my mistakes, but he never said a word in judgement. He was always my sane person to go to when in need. All my ex's told me that my husband was in love with me when we were just best friends. I always replied with "no he does not!" because I honestly never thought he would think of me in that way. I broke a few hearts for a few more months. It was old, and I needed a change. With a nudge from one of my younger brothers, I allowed myself to take a third persons perspective of our friendship. I started realizing the person that I had been searching and praying for had been with me the whole time. He was quietly letting me figure out who I was while I was going through a tough time in my life. When I allowed myself to fall in love with Dan, I fell completely into him and our love. It was like my life changed all at once. I let my guard down, and I let love into my heart in the purest form. I had never knew what true love felt like until I met Dan. He saved me with his love. I cannot imagine what would have happened to me if I had continued on the road I was on when Dan and I first met. I am pretty positive I would be dead by now without Dan. His love is my serenity. I am still trying to understand how this man can love someone like me. I tend to stay jaded because of different cards I have been dealt. He reminds me we can get through it together. He loves me when quite frankly I am unlovable. Being married to a woman who lives with bipolarism is not for the weak. Thank you God for sending me this angel. He loves me scales, scabs, and full of rage yet he still loves me. I never want to know life without him. I know so many people say it is bad to love someone to the point that you cannot function without them. I do not give a shit what people say or believe. Call me weak. I am nothing without him, and I am completely content with admitting it.

May you all love passionately and without regret at least once in your life <3

xoxo
D.

Amy Winehouse Ft. Nas - Like Smoke Lyrics + Download [Full Song]

dj irene - hard house mix ( hard house )

Girls Only Day with Carys and Granny

Rexly Article

Here is a link to check out a very small article I wrote for www.rexly.com

Check it out and let me know what you think. I'm always searching for feedback.  I hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday.

Love,
Drea

http://blog.rexly.com/

John Mayer - Distance

John Mayer - Breakaway (HQ)

John Mayer - Without You (So Long)

Missing The Romance

October 10, 2011

I want to run to this cabin in the woods. Out in the rural part of town. Away from the noise of the city. I can feel the warmth of the sun while sitting in a rocking chair on the back screen porch. The sound of a John Mayer CD playing inside the cabin seemed to feed my soul. This is my happy place. Where love is the only thing that matters. No contact with the outside world. Just you & me, a pack of smokes, and a few bottles of champagne. We are set for the entire weekend. Clothing is optional. Intimacy comes naturally and without effort.

It is not very often that we get time away from work and family responsibilities. When we run to the cabin, everything stressful immediately falls away from our shoulders as soon as we hit the dirt road leading to our little love nest. We only go once or twice a year. This makes each visit even more special. We have been celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, and even New Years Eve there at the cabin for the last eight years. We made so many beautiful memories there. I am certain there are many more memories to be made too.

When days are hectic yet lonely, I close my eyes and run away to the woods where I am alone with my love. On the porch, watching the clouds pass through the trees. There is no one near by to intrude in our privacy except deer and other forest friends. I am sitting in my favorite rocking chair on the back porch. Wearing his dress shirt from the night before, I light a cigarette. The silence is amazing, yet the sound of the wind rushing through all of the trees does nothing but relax me even further. We share glasses of wine and champagne throughout the day and into the night when you can see millions of stars in the sky.

I miss our little piece of heaven in the country. I can hardly wait to go back. Time spent together with my love. Uninterrupted grown up time. It rejuvenates your spirit and cleanses your energy. Thank goodness I should not have to wait much longer to return to my favorite place. Just a few more weeks.

Personal Changes and Growth

October 9, 2011

Fall is here, and Texas is starting to get cooler. Not really, I'm just being obnoxious! We are getting cooler nights. Cooler being in the 60s & 70s and as usual Texas brings the humidity like no other. We awoke to rain falling from the sky for the first time in weeks! It was beautiful.  The rain has kept falling off and on throughout the day. A rainy day is exactly what we needed.  It has been a nice lazy day at home with my family watching television under blankets. The rain always seems to cleanse the earth, and I feel a great sense of renewal in my energy.  On days like this, I am always remove myself for a few hours to write. I love writing in the rain. I know it sounds incredibly nerdy, but it is very true.  There is something about the Fall.  My spirit feels renewed. Some of my best work has been written in the rain.

Over the last month and a half I have began to make changes in my life. I have stopped putting off the process of getting healthy. I am tired of being depressed, and I know my unhealthy lifestyle is preventing me from feeling completely content with myself. I started the HCG diet, and I am very happy with the way that it has been going.  It is not an easy process.  It is incredibly challenging because of the 500 calorie per day intake count. I have lost over 30 pounds in one month. I have stopped obsessing over the scale because it can trigger my eating disorder. I like waiting a week or two before I weigh myself, so I can be surprised. I have to admit. I like seeing big number changes. I am finally getting the type of results from a diet that I have always wanted. This diet is not for everyone. It is not a long term solution. It is a lifestyle change. I would advise anyone considering this diet to consult your physician especially if you have an pre-existing health issues that are treated daily.

I find it comforting being able to blog my thoughts, transgressions, or accomplishments. My friends and family are my best cheerleaders and motivators. My mother in law called me last night to see how I was doing on the diet. My husband had told her about it, but she had not spoken to me herself. I was blessed with a great mother in law. She is my support. She constantly cheers me on in whatever I choose to do in life. Listening to her tell me how proud her and my father in law are of me made my day. I like to make my parents proud, but I also think it is important for my in-laws to also be proud of me. Knowing that so many people are cheering me on is very motivating. Fitting into clothes that I have not worn in years is a whole other level of pleasure. It might not be a huge deal to other people, but I think I am pretty bad ass. I have a new strut to my walk. I will see my in-laws in another couple of months.  I hope to be down at least 40 pounds by then, and I am not going to lie, I think I am going to be super cute! Hey if I cannot cheer for myself there is a problem with me right? (lol) Keep it real, sexy, and low calorie ladies!

xoxo
drea

Meet Adryana Jade

One of my favorite fashion blogs is by Adryana Jade! I "met" Adryana on Twitter not too long ago, and I checked out her website. It is a great place to check out the most amazing clothes from all of the worlds best known designers. She has a great way with words, and I am sure you will become a fan just like me! Check our her website!
xoxo Drea

http://www.adryanajade.com/?p=40885

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

RIP Steve Jobs

Yesterday we lost a great man in American history. The lost of Steve Jobs was very sad and shocking. Many people have been comparing him to Edison saying, "Job's is the Edison of my generation". A tremendous comparison, and it is very true. Over the last 10 years alone, Mr. Jobs completely changed the way that we live our daily lives.  He made being a smart geek cool which I am personally grateful for the boost up the social ladder. I am a creative person by birth. I was always writing, singing, or dancing as a child. It was not until I sat in front of my first Apple computer that I realized "this is what i want to do for the rest of my life. I want to get paid for playing with computers". I have been inspired by Steve Jobs and Bill Gates for many years. These men are responsible for all of my degrees in Information Technology and Information System Security. I am thankful for being alive to witness the amazing evolution of technology.  Thank you Mr. Jobs for daring to dream and constant inspiration.

Hump Day

September 28, 2011

Crazy day at home taking care of my little dude. He stayed home sick with a case of the "I don't know what is wrong I just don't feel good mama." We spent the day watching movies.  I made him his favorite hot chocolate, and he was back to himself by this afternoon.  My husband and I have made plans with the kids to have a movie night this Saturday because they are sleeping over with their grandma Friday. (Thanks Mom!) Hopefully my husband and I can get out of the house Friday night. Hell we can stay in and watch blu ray movies all night and get drunk at home! We just need a night alone.  It has been weeks since we have spent quality adult time alone with each other.  Between work and kids our lives stay pretty consumed.  We need to make it a point to make more time for each other. Thankfully we are both very easy to please. Our anniversary is in November, and we are going to get a weekend away for that celebration. I am excited to get a whole weekend in November!

For those of you that do not know. I have been on the very controvertial HCG diet. I have been on it for almost 6 weeks, and it has not been easy. I have seen drastic results! I have lost 30 pounds in a little over a month.  I am very blessed to have a very supportive spouse who goes out of his way to make this life change easier for all of us.  I admit I do have a new strut when I am getting dressed.  I have had a few sweet guys hit on me.  It could be straight up pity, but I do not care! I will take it! I feel good about myself.  I have proven to myself again that I can accomplish any goals I set.  My friends have also been very supportive of me.  It is very easy to stay movitvated when I have so many people cheering me on my way.  My primary movitvation beside my family is complete vanity. I want to wear all those hot clothes that I was rocking before I had two children! I will be damn if I walk the over 35 line without looking DAMN GOOD. Fashion is amazing inspiration.

xoxo
Drea

‎"43% of College Women Experience Violence and Abusive Dating Behaviors" Text Love Is to 77054 for help or chat live with a peer counselor at www.loveisrespect.org there is someone to listen and help at all times. just reach out xoxo

In Love With Nicki Minaj

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JipHEz53sU

Today in Politics

Rick Perry's Florida co-chair believes gay marriage causes tornadoes
http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/meet-rick-perrys-radical-leadership-team-co-chair

Catching up with blogging!

September 15, 2011

Hi Everyone!

Since school has begun, I have been super busy! The kids love their new school, and my husband and I are in love with the new teachers. Everyone is adjusting well, and I am hopeful that we will have a great school year. When I am not running after my family, I am totally keeping track of all my new reality television! I cannot help it! I love me some Bravo TV! My new favorite is "Most Eligible Dallas!" I love this show! The cast is full of gorgeous men and women, and the sexual tension is unbelievable! My favorite Most Eligible cast member is the super sexy Drew Ginsburg! He is as charming and funny! I love his tweets! He is very down to earth. He is a genuine Southern Gentleman. I am also infatuated with the immense sexual tension between Courtney Kerr and Matt Nordgren! Matt seems to be quite the ladies man, but he obviously has feelings for Ms. Kerr! I hope we see some serious romance! I cannot forget Glenn Pakulak! He has the sexiest body! The man should stay shirtless! I am sure he's a very smart man too! I do not want him to feel violated by my blunt sexual harassment hahaha!

I love my RHOBH, but it is hard to watch this season knowing that Russell Armstrong took his life just a few weeks ago. I believe they have good intentions in supporting Taylor through this dark time in her life. Bravo is taking a chance with the way this particular season is being aired. No one should disrespect the dead regardless of how they died. I wish for peace and healing for the Armstrong children.

Now for the Salahi Drama that erupted yesterday across the Internet. I went straight to a source to get a comment on the situation, and I got great responses from a few of the RHODC women. My first thought was, "who the hell calls the FBI when they think their wife is missing?" I mean seriously it had publicity stunt all over it. One source said very clearly "it's not what it seems. I'm sure she's fine. Probably needs a break". Little did we know that she was shacked up and on tour with this old guy from Journey who is on tour with Foreigner! Excuse me as I laugh hysterically at the thought of this woman on tour with old ass rockers. Am I the only one picturing Mrs. Salahi screaming in the front row, holding up a lighter, and flashing her fake boobies? I do not understand people who cannot break up with someone. If you're going to leave someone, at least give them the respect of saying goodbye. Especially if he is completely neurotic and thinks the FBI should be investigating this huge tragic kidnapping! What happened to leaving a goodbye note? Dear John Letter? Breakup Email? So many options! It would be too low key for this couple of idiots who would sell their souls to the reality devil just for a few minutes of fame. Now they are not just that couple that crashed a White House party. They are also the dick whose wife left him to be a groupie and follow Journey on tour. I'm still waiting on a comment from the Journey guitarists wife who is not on tour with him.

Adele - Rumour has it (with lyrics)

LOL

"Are You In A Relationship With An Emotional Vampire?" by @Mastinkipp

On the blog... "Are You In A Relationship With An Emotional Vampire?" by @MastinKipp http://thedailylove.com/?p=3112

Enlightened

June 25, 2011

I mentioned in a prior post that my exboyfriend from over ten years ago randomly emailed me on Facebook. I must do a quick update for my #dramalvrs. When he persisted to email me, I decided blocking him would be best. He never really could take a hint. I went to block him, and I quickly discovered that he did it for me. Call me evil. Judge you as you will undoubtedly do because I might if I were you! (lol).

After some deep thoughts, and a great deal of meditation/prayers I let go of the anger I feel when I think of him popping up in my life. It bothered me more than I let on, but I have moved passed it. I thought for sure one of our mutual friends had recently heard from him too. My fears became reality when I was crowned the only one. I began to close my eyes and sit in silence. The only reason someone shady from your past suddenly appears out of nowhere is good old fashion ignorance mixed with a nice helping of delusion & Catholic guilt!

For years I have wondered what kind of reaction I would have if he randomly appeared in my life again. I knew that we could never be friends, and I am completely fine with it too. Actually knowing that the paragraph I sent in response to his random email and a little help from my personal guardian angel was enough to make him block me was my own private victory.

Maybe he saw my picture as I popped up on friends suggestion right hand side of his screen, or he saw me on our mutual friends walls. There I am. The girl he left while she was sleeping. Instead of speaking to me face to face. You thought "Hey! Wow there's Drea!", and said what I wanted to hear in a random email, "I apologize for what I did to you."

Although he was very far from being truly apologetic. He is just tired of carrying around the guilt he feels when he thinks of me. I am still that smart yet absolutely insane girl he knew a long time ago. Except now I am smarter, and I am a hell of allot stronger. I have had a very blessed life since I walked away from him. My blessings are endless. I stood tall with scars from a sick relationship, sobered up, and realized the man who loved me was in front of me the entire time. I would have never met my husband without meeting my ex-boyfriend.

Funny how life works. Throughout the drama and the pain of being in a sick and twisted relationship I met my husband, my best friends, and my true strength. All the hurt, pain, and tears were not in vain. God listens, and he answers in many ways. The goddess blessed me and showed me my inner strength. My ex will always be a BUM in my eyes. My husband is the culmination of all my prayers answered, and my children bring new light.

Happy Birthday Me

June 20, 2011

This month has started out with a huge bang. My husband surprised me with a quick weekend get away to the Hill Country for my birthday. We enjoyed the complete quiet and relaxation of the country. No computers and only kids on the cell phone. It was just what we needed to get centered again. I sat outside on the huge back porch, and I meditated in the sunlight. I felt myself more grounded than i have been in a long time. I feel like the holy spirit surrounded me. It was a beautiful experience. Little did I know that I would be needing relaxation because of the hectic week waiting for my return.

He's Cyber Stalking Me O.o

It is only Tuesday, and it has already been a very crazy week. Aside from not feeling very well, a person from the past decided to just run into my life again via internet. It caught me completely off balance. I cannot understand the reason behind the sudden email. There was not a kind word uttered between me and this person for years. We parted on very bad terms. This is why I am shocked by his actions. I had put this person in my past, where he should be, many years ago. Since our doomed drug induced relationship, I have met and married the love of my life. We have two children. I have been blessed many times in my life despite my transgressions. The only reason I can think of that this person is trying to apologize 11 years later is that he is involved in some 12 step program.

I simply explained in a response email that I have nothing to say to him and wished him a happy life. I am still totally suspicious of his actions. It provided no relief to me to read his half-assed apology. He almost put me in the wrong state of mind today. Seeing his name was like having a horrible flashback that I had no control over. An LSD trip that went totally wrong. Thankfully I can recognize now that letting myself feel this way is only empowering him. I will not participate in that at all! I put it out of my mind, and I do what I always do when I cannot get my frustration out. I write until it makes sense, and I feel completely cleansed. I also sought out other Wiccan's online, and I have received great advice on how to rid myself of the negativity that is radiating.

To be continued eventually ....

xoxo
drea

Prayer for Pregnancy by Morey O'Connell

Prayer for Pregnancy

Help Me to Be Fruitful

Great Goddess, Empress Earth,

I pray you, help me to be fertile

I pray you, help me to be fruitful

I pray you, help me to conceive a healthy child

I ask this with all of my heart

I ask this with my body and soul

I ask this in the Lady's name

So be it! Blessed be!

Bin Laden Dead

Bin Laden is dead! Thanks to our brave and supreme military another monster is now roasting in the depths of hell. September 11, 2001 was a day that transformed our lives. As someone who was in her twenties, it changed my complete outlook on life. I went from feeling like I was in the safest and most impenetrable country in the world to feeling vulnerable. My friends and I gathered that morning and stayed together into the night comforting each other. After we each witnessed the death of so many Americans that day live on television, it never left my mind. I found myself coming to grips with how fragile life is instead of thinking of ways to test my luck for fun. When you are in your twenties, there is still a sense of invincibility, but it disappeared that day. The realization at how fast life can pass was frightening. Since September 2001, I have wanted this man to pay for his actions. Over the last ten years, we captured many of his followers, killed Saddam, and pushed Taliban out of Afghanistan. All were great achievements for our government and our military.
I hoped that this day would come, but I often worried that he would die of natural causes because it took so long. Finally we are now living in a world free of Bin Laden. Watching New Yorkers on television celebrating in the streets and at ground zero is incredibly moving. Listening to the stories of some of the people there celebrating because they lost a loved one on 9/11 brings tears to the eyes. Justice for all the families of those who were taken too soon out of pure hatred. We will never forget September 11, 2001 or May 1, 2011.

Is that light I see?

I have been too distracted lately to write anything interesting. The last couple of weeks have been quite hectic. With baseball season in full swing, we are constantly going to practices or games because both children are playing this year. It has been busy, but the games are great. They are at the perfect age, and it is not too competitive. My son's team is a bit more competitive than my daughters, but I am trying to get used to it. I love a good competition, but some parents display some questionable behavior when it comes to winning. They are children! All they are concerned about is hitting the ball, and the ice cream they get at the end of the game!

Still working on getting a good portfolio created in an effort to get some freelance work with different online magazines. Things are coming along great, but this month has just been hectic which devours my time to be creative and write. I just want to prove to myself (and some others lol) that I am good enough of a writer do be paid for it. If I can work and "live by my pen", I will be living a life long dream. I love computers and programming, but I love writing. I can combine the two, and my life would be awesome!

I am tired of sitting stagnant. I feel a shift in energy inside of me. Change is coming, and I can feel the intensity all around me. It will be good for me, and my family. I know that nothing painless is worth it. There will be moments that I will feel defeated, but I know how to keep my mind on the end result.

Being a more supportive spouse is hard for both of my husband and I especially during high stress situations. We are slowly but surely getting better at it. It is dangerous when we are not on the same level. I am the ultimate "moody bitch", and he accepts that more graciously than anyone I have ever met. I find it hard to believe that someone else exists who would be willing to be so patient and supportive. This is often when I start trying to figure out why the hell he is still with someone like me.

I am hot and cold twenty times in one day. My moodiness is exhausting. I know it is because it exhausts me! I am crazy and losing what is left of my sanity, and the man embraces me despite all of my transgressions. Now if I could only see myself through his eyes, I need to understand what it is he sees within me that makes him deal with my insane bullshit. He says he loves me all of me. The crazy, moody, angry, aggressive woman that is me. I just continue to figure out what I did in life to deserve him and endeavor to deserve my blessings.

In Repair & Evolving

It hurts, but there is a morbid beauty in the pain. I am riding the "coaster of life" and white knuckled holding on to survive. Today was better than yesterday. I still had my moments of tears. Random crying is not cool. My husband understands that I am in a hard spot right now emotionally. I always wonder, "what I am going to do when he finally breaks? when he finally decides he is tired of me?" My impulsiveness makes me fearful because it can lead to my demise. I guess it is a positive thing to realize that I am impulsive and acknowledge it. The impulsiveness that I deal with is a disease, and I do not realize how ridiculous my actions are until after all is said and done. I run on pure emotion and energy. These attributes combined with slight mania is dangerous, so I write for some type of sanity. I need to center my thoughts. When I cannot concentrate long enough to meditate and pray, I write because keeping all of it inside of me makes me physically ill. Life leaps out at you right after you bitch about stagnation. This is the point that I have arrived at in my life. I don't know if this is what is considered a "thirty-something crisis" or what. I just know that inside my mind, I am in a different place. At times, I am alone, and I am numb. There are other times that I am so happy that I forget reality. Self reflection is everything. Writing allows me to channel what I am dealing with. I am no one special. Just an ordinary woman who tends to second guess all of her moves. I love passionately without reservation. I fight with all my strength, power, and determination. My life has never been dull, and I do not expect it to suddenly become that way at this point in my life. I just hope I follow the right path and live without regret.

Dazed & Confused

I have so many things floating through my head. When I am in distress, my writing falls behind. I tend to hold it inside of me for fear that I will hurt someone. I am torturing myself with my thoughts. It builds up so much that I have to write it out or else I know I will lose what is left of my clear mind. All we do is fight. Regardless of the topic there is always an argument. Our differences have never bothered me because someone like me needs someone else to level them out. To help keep me on the right path, but I feel alone, unwanted, and bothersome. At my lowest, I feel completely ignored. Insignificant in my own relationship, and I do not know how to deal with all of these issues. I am scared we might not make it like our parents have for so many years. There is just so much going on in our lives right now. I feel like I need to be working a full-time job, so I am not supported by one person. I need independence in my life, and I feel completely dependent right now. My children are the most important in my life. All I do is for them, but if I am unhappy, I am nothing but another problem. I do not want to be that women who failed as a mother. I cannot live up to the expectations set upon me. I am trying my best, but I fuck it up like the rest. For once, I want to feel true happiness for longer than a fleeting moment. I fear dying unhappy and never truly fulfilled. Buried with regrets that will haunt me in the after. Who will catch me when I fall? Will anyone aside from my children care? My heart is weighed down from the pain. Attention starved, I run to what I crave, and he sits not realizing inside I am contemplating being gone.

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

Ann Coulter is ridiculous!

http://huff.to/ecdtcd

Ellen Is Nominated for a Dance Award!

11 year old gang raped in Texas

An eleven year old girl was gang raped by 18 men who vary in age in Cleveland, Texas. Many of the family of the boys/men who were involved in this rape are asking, "what did this girl do to entice these boys?" This is an incredibly ignorant reaction to a brutal crime that was committed. How can you rationalize the rape of a small child? How can you blame an 11 year old girl for being gang raped? Being a woman who has been born and raised in Texas, this story disgusts me to the core. This little girl will never be the same mentally or physically. The people of Cleveland that are speaking to the media inferring that this child "asked for it" are an embarrassment to the state and the town itself. What is the average education level of the town of Cleveland, Texas? What are high school graduation statistics? These men are nothing more than good high school athletes that have huge entitlement issues. They are all obviously from families that are unaware of their whereabouts or activities.

We need to spend more time looking into the parents of the "alleged rapists". A child of only 11 years is still very much a baby. God only knows where she had to flee in her mind while she was tortured by so many for so long. I could care less that these boys/men have athletic careers in the balance at this point. Shame on the schools that continue to defend them or scout them. They need to be placed in grown up jail and let into general population. This little girl that lost her innocence over and over and over deserves to be vindicated. They should be identified as alleged child rapists to others, but clearly this is simply my opinion. If this happened to my child, I would not stop until each of these men/boys gets exactly what they deserve. Their lives should be lived in torture to remind them of what they did to their victim.

Bryan Officer Scandal Just Swept Under the Rug

http://www.kbtx.com/news/headlines/117737803.html?storySection=comments

Protests in Saudi Arabia Stopped

http://apne.ws/i0Fz57 -SB

The Sister Wives Can't Stop Dancing!

More Charlie Sheen News

I feel guilty for writing about this and adding links, but it is like a huge wreck! You want to look away but you simply cannot do it. Apparently, Sheen believes CBS and Chuck Lorre owe him an insane amount of money. Let's see how this next chapter in the junkie drama will play out!

xoxo
drea

http://bit.ly/dT7Cxe

Philly Church Scandal

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/03/09/national/main20041279.shtml

Excuse the Randomness!

Hi Everyone,

Please excuse the random posts. This is still a work in progress. I am currently working on a couple new projects, and I should have something new to post for you soon. The craziness of the week has set me back with my writing just a bit, but I am catching up quickly.

xoxo
Drea

Learning from the Pain

At times I feel vacant. I have not been able to find a place of peace all week. It seems that whenever there is an ounce of peace it is quickly interrupted with the next crisis. Being a woman who deals with also being Manic, I sometimes find it hard to express myself it can be very hard to maintain daily life. This never-ending growth of negativity has taken over, and I want to escape. I crave the darkness. The silence is painful, and I want to let go. My husbands constant strength and support, and the love of my children stop me from giving up completely. No one truly understands what it is like to be like me. It is exciting, always entertaining, yet bittersweet. When I feel passionately about a topic, I tend to speak louder especially when dealing with my extended family. My immediate family understands that I am Manic Depressive/Bipolar, and many have no idea what it means. I then fall to the side with the label crazy.

When you are labeled crazy by your own family, they have the tendency to dismiss anything that you say. There is nothing more insulting to me than to dismiss me. I might be bipolar, but I am highly functional. I have multiple degrees, and I am still a student. I am far from ignorant, and I should get credit for it because I come from a family working class people. I am the first person in my family to have more than a high school diploma yet I still get looked over. My own family prefers to deal with my husband than with me. It is sweet for me, but it is also a blow to my self esteem. No matter what I accomplish in life, I will never receive true credit from my extended family. It hurts, but I have my own family to worry about and take care of. Because I do not have a job outside of my home, one of my aunts told me I was worthless.

I think some people think because I am a stay at home mother I am some how lower ranked in life. This really irritates me. My husband and I agreed on our lifestyle before we got married. It was always my intention to be a stay at home mother. I want to raise my children, and I wanted to make sure that I am available for what they need. We have never had to defend our lifestyle to anyone until now. I found myself screaming into the telephone more than once yesterday because of a misunderstanding between family. In the process of trying to figure out what all was going on, my aunt says I have no worth because I have no damn job. This ignited the fire that had been building within me. She is almost 70, and she decided to hit low then hang up on me. Can I at least get the opportunity to give a rebuttal?

It took me about thirty seconds to call her back, and she hid from me by not answering her telephone. I left the ugliest message, and I am not proud of it however it felt great! "Listen bitch! I am a mother to my children and I have something you NEVER had a fucking H-U-S-B-A-N-D!" I shouted into my cellphone like a lunatic. I pretty much ended that relationship, and I knew I was doing it. I am tired of dealing with her problems. She is an unhappy wench. I have been as civil as possible for a long time, and she picked the wrong person to mess with. I am very confrontational. I do not believe in sugar coating anything. Let us be blunt as not to waste time.

After all of the drama, I found myself laying like a blob in my bed in capable of moving. It took hours for me to stop shaking from negative energy. Waking this morning, I am fearful something new will come up today. In an effort to stay sane, I am not speaking with anyone except my husband today. Anyone who calls can leave a message. I am not speaking with any of my aunts. I am over it. Family should not act this way, and I am aware of this. My point is, why fix it? Enough has been said. Let's just go our own ways. We are all adults. I will gladly become that family member that no longer talks to the rest of the family. My stress level would drop drastically. I am tired of caring what people think of me. I am tired of waiting for some type of acknowledgment from my family for my accomplishments rather than mistakes or things they consider mistakes because we never agree on the definition of mistake. It is all post menopausal bullshit.

Today I will spend the day cleaning my house and clearing out the negative energy that is hovering throughout it. Yesterday I took two steps backwards as someone who is manic, but today I gain those back. I will not empower my aunt by letting her bullshit negatively effect me anymore. I think we both silently agree to ignore each other from this point forward. Our relationship has never been great. I think she resents me for being so close to my cousin. She used to have to call me to find out if my cousin was doing okay. We put that all aside once my cousin died because life changed for both of us. Eventually the trouble that was never dealt with before the death is going to come back up, and it is finally here. My cousin always understood why her mother and I never got along, and I feel her supporting me right now. Somewhere in all of this dysfunction there is enlightenment. It is up to me to find it.

xoxo
D

"Get Out of My House!"

Who pops over to someone's house without calling first? I have a huge problem with this. I have always made it very clear to my family and friends that they are not to come unless they call first. I am super anal about this rule. If you show up unannounced, I am literally going to treat you like shit. I do not care who you are. My aunt thinks she can show up here whenever the hell she wants to, and I am about done with all the bullshit. This is my house now. I do not need her coming over and critiquing how I take care of my home or decorate it. I don't fucking care if your Lemon Tree is dead because IT NEVER GREW LEMONS! People and their little bubbles trapped in their fantasy world. Yes, my house is a hot mess with toys everywhere, the drive way is full of bikes, the back yard is full of baseball equipment, and the kitchen always has a few dirty dishes because the midgets eat all day long. She lived in this bigger than 2200 square foot home and lived in one room. Her house could not get dirty she never lived in it. When you have a 6 & 8 year old running around, things get dirty! She is trying to act like she's my landlord, I'm going to start treating her like one. I will start by getting the hot tub guy come out and fix it, and I will forward her the bill. I am also not going to do any home improvement things she wants done until she understands she WILL NOT try to run my life. I should have never stayed in Texas! I should be in Colorado where I want to be!

Busy Saturday

Today will be a wild one. We have a birthday party for Ethan to attend this afternoon. We are all going because we don't want Carys to feel excluded. She and I will bowl like girls and talk about everyone else! Another awesome thing about having a daughter! I am hoping my parents will watch my beautiful midgets for the night. We love them, but mom & dad need a night off. We will do nothing exciting except watch a movie, but there will be silence! Off to get ready for the party!

xoxo

Update on Crisis in Libya

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/05/gadhafi-forces-launch-cou_n_831772.html

Deepak Chopra on back pain

http://bit.ly/TVMD_Deepak_Back

"Student files lawsuit over FBI's GPS

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110303/ap_on_re_us/us_gps_tracking_warrants

DEV - Bass Down Low (Explicit) ft. The Cataracs

Damn You March!

Damn You March

Today will begin my month long journey. The next few weeks are always filled with mourning. This year is the 5th anniversary of my cousins tragic death. I try to keep Holy Candles lit daily in her honor. I also try to keep fresh flowers because she loved flowers. It is hard when I want to stay in bed under the covers and avoid this time of year. I keep hoping this year will be the year that it is not so sad, but I do not believe that day will ever come. I know this year will be tough because I finally know how she took her life. Ever since I found out, I have been discontent. The visuals are too much. I will never forgive myself for ignoring my intuition and deciding not to contact her a week before she took her life. We were arguing, and we had not spoken in various months. Our family breed stubborn women.

I feel my spirit begin to fade. Teresa was full of beauty and passion, and I am positive that even in her darkest hours in her broken mind her essence still came through. She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. There were very few in our family that understood her, but I did. We were like sisters. At times, we loved, fought, and laughed like normal family, but she to have her die during a fighting period is the most brutal guilt I have ever had to live with inside. I sat silently with my pride. I ignored my intuition which is something that I never do. In doing so I robbed myself and my family of her last years. I helped feed her isolation with my anger. My fear is that my silence fueled her emotions, but I was probably an after thought when she realized her actions worked.

When you are raised in a highly Catholic family, there is a great deal of guilt from religion that transfers into every portion of your life. It is impossible to live the righteous life that Catholicism teaches. We were both avid students of various religions. We both studied religions of the world and found beauty in them. She stuck with Catholicism loosely, and I left the Catholic Church after her death. When a Catholic person takes their own life, they are to be shunned because they did not live out God's plan. They are forever to be lost in purgatory for all of eternity as penance. My God does not punish the weak. I believe my cousin is finally at peace with God. I can feel her presence at times, and she always feels happy. She was in a really bad place emotionally during the month of March. Something happened toward the middle and end of the month to push her to the edge. I will forever wonder what or who it was because for her to die for love would be completely feasible.

xoxo
d

Rihanna - S&M

"Men are just happier"

Men Are Just happier people

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
...
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

Katy Perry - Firework

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

Life as Drea: Down with DOMA

Life as Drea: Down with DOMA: "I grew up in a working class family. My mother was a cosmetologist, and my father a machinist at a local plant. My mother was raised Roman..."

Down with DOMA

I grew up in a working class family. My mother was a cosmetologist, and my father a machinist at a local plant. My mother was raised Roman Catholic, so my brothers and I were also baptized into the faith. We even attended Catholic School for our entire grade school process. I got programed all day about my religion and the bible. After school, I would go to work with my mom at the beauty shop because I loved being around her co-workers and customers. I was a nosey kid! One of my mom's best friends and co-workers was a gay man. I never knew what exactly it was about him that was different. I just knew that he was fun. I had not heard the word gay used as a slur until I was in grade school. I remember asking my mother what it meant, and she said "it is when a man loves another man...like my friend "Mario" (this name has been changed)". I remember thinking it was funny, but I did not understand the big deal. I really did not understand the mechanics either which is a whole other conversation in and of itself!

Throughout my life, I gravitated towards my lovely homosexuals. I was quite the hag starting in high school, but I was raised Catholic. I was always torn over whether or not I was doing something wrong by associating myself. Being Catholic, for me, came with an enormous amount of guilt and paranoia. It was not the religion for me. I did not decide that until I was an adult. I met two of my best friends when I was in my twenties. They are the most amazing people that I have encountered in life. I know that I can count on them for anything. They have shared milestones in my adult life, and they are homosexual. Although they are no longer together, they remain my friends because it we sweet sweet love when we met. After months of getting to know these people, I knew without doubt in my heart that my God could not possibly hate these two people. They are no different than me. They do not love differently. We hurt the same, bleed the same, love the same, and die the same. They are spiritually my brothers along with many others that I have become friends with over the years.

The changing point for me was going to my first Pride Parade. I had never seen anything like it before in my life. It was like Candy Land. It was glorious! Until I walked towards the end of the parade with a few friends and we found the protesters. I had never been so shocked and offended in my entire lives. I grew up with people like this, and I could not imagine shouting the hatred they were shouting. I thought of my friends, and I found myself in a full on shout fest. I waved my rainbow flags and screamed that they would burn in hell first as loud as I could. Of course I went to their level! It was fun!

I could never imagine anyone treating my friends like that just because they are being who God intended them to be. They are just trying to live their lives. Many years have gone by since my eyes opened, and I am always quite vocal over my beliefs. The world is changing, and there are more people openly protesting for equality for GLBT's. The new problem is people are afraid of change. Today President Obama "instructed the Justice Department to no longer defend the Constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act" (CBSNews) People are coming forward with their hatred more than ever, but there are just as many if not more of my GLBT loving family in support. No human being should be condemned for the way that they were born. Being GLBT is not a choice it is preordained at birth. This is what I believe with all my heart, and I know without doubt my God agrees.

"I don't want to have a baby!"

My daughter who is just 6 years old is sick with a stomach flu. She is up later tonight than she normally is, and we are in bed watching something on Lifetime called "One born every minute". She is getting into it, and she is starting to ask questions. "Mommy are they going to cut her open to get the baby out?" she asks in fear. "Some of them might. Others do it differently" I laugh. "How do you get it out without cutting your tummy?" she asks again. "It's magic" I say to get her quiet. Meanwhile, a woman is on the screen having a serious labor with failed epidurals, and I start to have flashbacks. I cover my eyes and cringe thinking about the pain this woman is enduring. My daughter says, "does it hurt that bad?" I said, "yes baby it does". She asks me with bright eyes, "as bad as a shot?" I said "oh sweetie it's more like if your skin was falling off your body" LOL She begins crying, "I don't want to have a baby! I don't Mommy! God is gonna give me one, and I don't want one mama!" I can't help but laugh. I put my arms around her and tell her, "you don't have to have a baby if you don't want to baby" I finally managed to stop laughing and comfort her. She quieted down but occasionally I could hear her saying to herself quietly, "never ever never" as she fell fast asleep.

I am perfectly content with her knowing childbirth equal a pain like no other. LOL

xoxo
Drea

I have to do it myself?

Being a "grown up" can absolutely suck sometimes. My husband and I recently moved into our new home. It is really a beautiful home, and we have enjoyed it here. The thing that I am finding hard to deal with is the new responsibilities of a having a home. Not to mention this new thing called a budget! OMG the sacrifices have been brutal. I think I started to dwell on what I had to give up versus what I gained. The young spoiled child inside of my head was throwing a full on tantrum yesterday over waxing. I realized that I have not owned a pair of tweezers for over 10 years because I have always paid to get them done. It is these little things that I miss the most. The ability to go and get my eyebrows waxed. I never thought of it as a luxury. I just categorized it under "necessary monthly upkeep" which includes my hair, any new outfit I might need if something should come up, and shoes. How completely spoiled am I?

Gone are the days of buying designer handbags. Manicures, Pedicures, and waxing have become "DIY's". I went to my mother for sympathy, and she laughed at me because I am finally realizing I have turned into the type of woman I always said I would not be. Dear God! I am a "high maintenance bitch"!

Forgive the delayed reaction and enlightenment. I am not one to remember things, and anyone who truly knows me can vouch for that too! My wonderful husband is a believer of "happy wife, happy life". He knew what he was dealing with when he married me. I did not suddenly become this monster as an adult! Thanks Mom & Dad!

My mother loves that I am on this journey of realization. My daughter (that she always prayed that I would have) is my duplicate. Except she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, she is faster, better, stronger...she is Drea 2.O She will avenge my mother for all the bad I did as a child. I think I just felt a hair actually turn gray. I love my children. I find myself having to choose between my "upkeep" or entertainment for the kids. I always get my children what they need without doubt. I have just forgotten how to "DIY" with my "upkeep", and I want to be able to bitch about it like a child for a while!

Today I will go get my eyebrows waxed one last time until I can truly afford it again. I do not want to mess up the line, so I just want to be able to do upkeep and follow their line. I am not a complete idiot. I know how to do my own eyebrows. It has just been a long time, and I hate that whole over plucked thing allot of women have going on. I am going to enjoy myself to the fullest and appreciate the pain in a new way.

All of this superficial bullshit would normally not phase me quite as much, but it has been brought to my attention that I have stopped taking care of myself. Never by my beautiful husband because he knows too well. One of my aunts (my family does not know how to speak any way but bluntly) and some random woman having a bad day. One insult, I would brush off my shoulder, but two in one day? I went straight home to look in the mirror. My hair is a complete mess and in obvious need of a cut and color. My beastly eyebrows across my pale face, and to top it all off my workout wear. WOW.
I have really let myself go, and I do not want my daughter to pick up my habits.

My child is so beautiful, and she is at the age where she speaks without thought just brutal honesty. She was looking through our wedding photo album. She came across a picture of me in my wedding dress. She was so excited. Her face lit up with a huge smile, and she quickly shouts, "Mommy you were so beautiful! You look like a princess!" It pierced my heart, but I smiled and said "thank you baby" because I did not want her to think she had hurt my feelings. To have all these situations culminate yesterday was pure hell. I did my sulking all night. I have decided enough is enough. I am tired of feeling this way. I am an intelligent woman, and I realize the way that I have been living my life is not helpful in making me lead a healthy life. I have slowly dedicated myself to getting back to "normal". My normal is back in good health as I was prior to pregnancies. I am feeling better just by changing my diet just a little. I am feeling better not that I have added more activity in my life for exercise and hitting the elliptical. It is therapeutic. I find myself lost in deep meditation until I start to feel pain in my knees that can possibly be injury. I want to be able to jump on my elliptical for at least a couple of hours a day. It will take me a long time to get to an hour, but I am publicly challenging myself for motivation. The sexy bitch my husband fell in love with is inside of me waiting to come out, and a confident mother that my children need will come alive.

Starting Over

I reached a point in my life where I need a new start. I have been on a personal journey of growth over the last year, and I have learned a great deal about myself. It has changed my writing process, and the way I react to different situations that arise in life. This new blog page will reflect those changes. I want to share my life in a new way. I am a writer at heart.

I have been writing since I was able to pick up a pencil. It is in my blood, and it is a very personal process for me. I will share pieces that I have working on and anything new. I tend to not write when I am depressed. I miss the creativity. I hope to help myself awaken from this dense cloud by committing to this page. I am stepping out of the shade and into the sun. Hopefully my words will catch your attention in some way.

xoxo
Drea